


Harry Potter and the Suburban Madness

by DarkPrinceOfClowns



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Looking for Group (Webcomic), the suburbian satanists
Genre: Dark, Funny, Horror, Humor, Warlock - Freeform, Warlocks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-04-30 05:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14489661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkPrinceOfClowns/pseuds/DarkPrinceOfClowns
Summary: What happens when a family of hobby satanists from suburbia adopts Harry Potter and names Richard, Chief Warlock of the Brotherhood of Darkness his godfather? Guaranteed to be dark, twisted and filled with humour and a few Eldrich monsters. Devils, demons and the Antichrist. Dark humour and insanity. Brother-fic to H.P. and the Suburbian Satanists, they seperate paths in chap. 3.





	1. Meet the Family

**Author's Note:**

> As you may have noticed, I started writing a fic with Satanists, but the suddently Richard decided to drop inn and take over the entire fic, soooo I ended up just writing two fics that has the same base, but that will take VERY different directions from Chapter 3. lol
> 
> Oh, and warning; Violence and homicidal tendencies, general madness, eldrich monsters and pleanty of blasphemy. If you have a weak stomach, you may be reading the wrong fic. Go look up something with fluffy unicorns before Richard fwooshs your ass.
> 
> Enjoy~ ^^

In a garden in the suburban area of Surrey, a small child was working hard to weed the garden. He looked a bit thin and scruffy and was wearing washed out, baggy clothes that may or may not once have been black.

Sharon DeVille was on her way home from her grocery-shopping, pushing the stroller with her precious Damien inside it up the street as she spotted the dark haired child speaking to a snake. She paused. Well... That was new. Most people around here didn't appreciate the glorious creatures of her beloved Lord and Master... Maybe he'd even want to play with her own son. Not many of these suburban kids wanted to play with him, not after he summoned a small eldrich horror for his last birthday and it devoured one of the guests, Sharon had never been more proud of him! She shook her head. Non of these weak children was good enough for her Damien, that much was obvious. But perhaps this boy...

"Hello there kid." She smiled down at Harry as he shrunk away in surprise.  
"Sorry!" He said and scrambled into the corner. "I'm not being freakish, I swear!" He sobbed, expecting her to scream, and when people screamed then Vernon would drag him inn and lock him up...his little heart was racing in fear that he might even beat him, because the neighbours saw it! He whimpered.  
"What's wrong?" Sharon said.  
"I didn't mean talking to snake, it just happened. It wouldn't stop talking!" Harry knew his defence was weak.  
"Calm down kid. There's nothing wrong with speaking to such a majestic creature as the serpent. Why, Even spoke to the snake, and he freed her from their confining prison and showed her the glory and beauty of pleasure and pain and suffering!" Sharon ranted as she always did when she talked about her beloved. Granted, he wasn't always around, but it was hard work to run a whole kingdom and all, she understood he had to be away a lot. She could always summon him when she needed him...not that he replied to her...but at least he paid child support on time...mostly. But that's okay. She expected him to cheat and lie, that was just one more glorious thing about him. She smiled at the mere thought of him. Maybe she should summon him when she got back. Harry stared at the strange lady with wide eyes. She looked...nice...if a bit unhinged. She wore a strange red dress with a star like symbol on it, and had nice black hair, and she sounded like she didn't think he was bad... Harry tentatively crept closer to her, trying to peek into the stroller.

"W..what do you mean? Vernon always say I'm a freak and a demon child for talking to a s..snake. A...and then he locks me up and I can't have food." Harry mumbled, wondering if it was okay to tell this to a stranger, but she seemed so nice... Nobody had ever been nice to him before, it was strange, but it felt nice.  
Sharon gasped. "He locks you up? Starves you? After giving you such wonderful compliment! And how does he DARE to call such a wonderful blessing a freak?!?" She sounded outraged and shocked. How could ANYONE do such a thing to a creature that was so clearly blessed by Satan?!? Why... he could have been Damien's half-brother! Jealousy flared up and she decided that she needed to have a little...talk...with him later. But for now, she just couldn't leave him there to suffer such treatment. Harry stared at the lady with tears in his eyes. She...she was defending him? Why? He was a worthless freak who didn't deserve anything...why would she do that? He felt obligated to answer her.  
"Sometimes...somethings weird things happen. Like when Dudley and his gang was chasing me, and I went 'poof', and then I was on the roof!" Harry threw his hand up at the poof sound to illustrate it. He didn't understand what had happened, but it was something freakish, his uncle and aunt said so. "And then Vernon beat me with a belt." Harry muttered, not intending for her to hear it, but she did.

Sharon gasped and knelt down to hug him. "By the seven Hells, child! You are CLEARLY blessed by Satan himself! It is SUCH an honour! You are a wonderful child, how DARE they treat you like this!" Sharon ranted and rambled in rage, refusing to let go of Harry. And Harry, while a bit stiff and unsure of what to do, leaned into the first hug he had EVER had, and tears fell from his eyes as he thought about how wonderful it felt, and if he died now, if uncle Vernon beat him to death for this...it would have been worth it. He thought it must be what happiness felt like. It was even better than icecream! And Harry still remembered that one time when he had icecream...he licked it off the bowl after the Dursley's had finished eating it, and it tasted like heaven. Until his aunt caught him and slapped him across the face, before forcing him to put the plates in the sink and wash them. Icecream was for normal people, not for Freaks.

"Kid..." Sharon hesitated, but she felt it was her duty to take him away from such a horrible place. WHy... they might even have made him go to church! She shuddered at the thought and pushed away the unpleasant memory. Well, not on her watch! No sir-e!  
"Would you like to come live with me and my family instead?" She pulled away so she could look at him. Harry looked shell-shocked.  
"Y...you want me? ME?!?" He quickly covered his mouth with both hands at the raising of his voice in incredulity. No one...NO ONE, had EVER wanted him before! Harry started to cry, he couldn't believe such a wonderful and nice lady would want someone so horrible and freaky as him. But she even said it was not freaky...she said it was a blessing... Harry felt confused.  
"You don't have to, if you don't want to. I get it." Sharon said, but she felt disappointed. However, it was not in her place to say what Satan had intended for this child. She was sure he had a damned good reason. Maybe he was supposed to terrorise them or something...or steal their souls...

"I...I want to..." Harry's voice broke and faded, so he tried again. "I want to come!" He hugged the nice lady again, not wanting to ever let go of that wonderful feeling of being accepted...of being wanted...of not being a freak and a burden.  
Sharon smiled at him and hugged him back, ruffling his hair. "Alright kid. Come on!"  
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" was all Harry could say. Repeating it over and over like a prayer, like a miracle. Clinging to her as if she might vanish. Maybe it was just a dream, and he'd wake up in his cupboard all alone... He never wanted to wake up! He'd rather die than wake up from this dream!

"Hey, kid... What's your name?" She took his hand and lead him to the stroller, pushing it along with one hand, while Harry was clinging to the other like his life depended on it. Vernon was still at work, Dudley was at his friend Pierces place, and his aunt was soaking in the bathtub. Harry just hoped they'd never notice he was gone and he could stay with the nice lady forever and ever and ever.


	2. Meet the Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Harry's new, slightly unusual familly.

Sharon lead Harry into the house where she lived, and went to place the groceries in the fridge, when an a slightly chubby, cheerful-looking middle-aged woman walked into the room. Unlike Sharon, with her pale skin and long, straight black hair, this woman had short, brown-blond hair and what looked like a perm. She looked very much like an older housewife...if you ignored the blood red robes with an inverted pentagram on the front that she was wearing.

"Sharon, did you remember to buy milk? Damien ate the cow again... Oh, who is this?" She said as she notice Harry standing there, hiding shyly behind Sharon, clutching at her robes.  
"Harry, this is my mom, Mavis. Mom, this is Harry. He can speak to snakes!" She sounded very exited at this. "And his relatives were totally horrid! They punished him for being favoured by our Lord Satan!" Sharon said in outrage, and from what Harry could see, her mother agreed with her statement if her face was anything to go by.  
"Oh, you poor dear! What kind of environment have you been living inn? You can't possibly go back to such a disgraceful home!" Mavis said to Harry.  
"He's not gonna go back mom. I told him he could stay with me. I'm sure Damien will be happy to have a brother. Y'know... Someone who can teach him to read and write and send hell-hounds on his bullies, that sorta thing. And to play with! The neighbor kids are just so rude! They just...run away from him all the time." Sharon slammed the door to the fridge shut. She could not understand why the neighbourhood kids refused to play with her sweet darling baby. Was it the tail? The hoofs? Okay, so maybe he tried to sacrifice that girl when they were playing 'house', but honestly... She should have just let him sacrifice her bunny. What kid of pretend-wife wouldn't do that? Sharon shook her head.

"Oh, how wonderful! A new little bundle of evil running around!" Mavis clasped her hands together and started to ramble on about all the joys and pains of raising children with a gleeful smile...Sharon drowned her out and snuck away with Harry while her back was turned.

"Come on kid. I think we have an empty room somewhere..." She pulled him up the stairs and looked around before she sighed. Right... That was Benny's room now... Why did they ever take in that deadbeat anyway? Suddenly she got an idea and lead Harry up yet another set of stairs, and pushed open the door to the attic, before walking inn to pull at the string to the light-bulb in the room, revealing a VERY spacious room with a tilted roof and a window on the far end.  
"Alright kiddo. I know it isn't much, but it's not so bad. We'll isolate it before winter comes, and once we clean up the mess, it'll be fine. You'll see." Sharon said.  
In the meanwhile Harry was staring at the room in disbelief. It was so big... He'd never even seen such a big room before, and it was filled with all those weird things and clothes and...was that a goats head?  
"I...it's mine?" He asked with so much awe in his voice that Sharon had to smile.  
"Sure kiddo. Just be careful when you rummage through the boxes up here...you never know where Benny might have hidden his sacrificial knife collection or...Satan forbid...my brother has hidden his porn stash." Sharon sighed at the thought of her brother. He'd loose his own head if it wasn't attached to his body. She walked over to a corner and pulled out a matrass from the corner. It looked clean enough...if you ignored the blood stains...was that wax? She muttered curses at Benny under her breath and turned it over, before telling Harry to wait there while she fetched some clean bedsheets. On second thought, she got two sets...just in case. She didn't want her new son to sleep on something dirty. Sharon might not look it, but she had a mothering instinct that even scared the wits out of Satan sometimes, and was fiercely protective of her son...sons she supposed now. She always wanted another child, but for some reason her kinda-sorta husband was always too busy torturing people or whatever the heck he did all day to have another one. Or maybe he couldn't. She hadn't actually asked him why...

She was pulled out of her mussings as she watched Harry eyeing the boxes with barely contained curiosity and she smiled at him.  
"Go on, kid. Have a look. Just be careful. And if you see any magazines with naked women on them, just...don't...touch." She scrunched her face up in disgust. "I mean... Lust is a fine sin and all, but my brother can be kinda...messy. If you touch anything he's touched; Wash your hands!" She commanded him. Who knew what kind of diseases that head-case might have? And she sincerely doubted they'd come from a human....

She smiled as Harry's face lit up with joy and he rushed over to the boxes, being very, very careful as he looked inside them and hardly even daring to touch the stuff inside of it. She chuckled to herself and shook her head smiling as she made the bed for him. He was such an adorable child. She could hardly wait to teach him all the joys and skills a child should learn, and she briefly wondered if she should summon her husband about adopting him. She knew how the 'normal' people viewed them, their tragic little minds incapable of understanding the greatness of Lord Satan and the glory of Hell... they'd never let her adopt him through any legal means, she was sure of that. No... Her husband would know what to do, and hey... The kid should have a father too. She read about it somewhere, it wasn't good for the kid not to have both a mother and a father, she was sure of it. And who'd be a better role model for the kid that the Lord of Hell himself? She nodded decisively and made a note to herself of talking him him about it as soon as the kid had settled inn.

* * *

The next day little Harry woke up and smiled at the nice dream he had, not wanting it to end. But years of living with his uncle and aunt made him instinctively expect the noise that signalled his tormentor would wake him up any minute. However, as he slowly woke up, memories flooded him and a tiny spark of hope that it might have been real settled into his heart. He could feel the softness of the matrass underneath him, and a pillow, and a blanket! He slowly opened his eyes, scared it might have all been a dream and he would be in the darkness of his cupboard, two seconds before his obese family trampled down the stairs like a herd of wild elephants. He reached his hand out to the side, it met with no resistance. He opened his eyes... The room looked even bigger to him than it had seemed yesterday. There was so much SPACE! He couldn't help chocking back laughter as he wiped away tears of relief. It wasn't a dream! That nice lady really DID take him away!

As he decided to get up. He had to work hard to show this family that he was worth their time. They'd given him his own room! The nice lady had even made him a sandwich before bedtime last night, and it was all he could do to not cry at the nice gesture. He hurried up to get dressed, wondering how long he had been sleeping, thinking he might have been lazy, the sun was already up. Surely they expected breakfast soon? He quietly slunk down the stairs towards where he remembered the kitchen to be, only to be greeted with the smell of bacon, egg, sausages and enough black pudding to feed a small army. He stared with wide eyes at the middle-aged lady who was cooking, unsure of what to do.

"Hello love, grab a plate and help yourself. I'm sure the others will be up and about soon." She smiled at him, acting as if it was perfectly normal that he was given food! He felt a bit bad for not working for it, worrying that if he didn't start earning his way they might kick him out, or force him to go back. Harry's lower lip quivered in fear, and tears welled up in his eyes. He couldn't go back, he just couldn't! He bit his lips and pushed back the tears, but she saw it anyway, and he braced himself for the slap that would surely come. Freaks didn't cry. He still heard his uncles voice ringing in his ears.  
"I...I'm sorry!" Harry whimpered out and curled his tiny hands into fists, forcing himself to not cry.  
"What's wrong dear?" Mavis looked at the child, he looked so scared, so small and fragile.  
"I won't cry! I'll work! I'll work hard! Please don't send me back!" Harry chocked out, willing his tears to stop. Why wouldn't they stop! He flinched as he felt arms wrapped around him, hugging him. Harry could no longer hold back the tears, sobbing as she stroke his back. He had never in his entire life felt anything this nice before! He clung to the nice old lady and cried even more as she comforted him.  
"Oh, dear, sweet child... What did they DO to you over there? Don't worry, sweetie. You will never have to go back there again, never!" mavis hugged the crying child even tighter. What had those wrenched people done to this sweet young child that would make him react like that? She slowly guided Harry over to the table and filled his plate up with a bit of everything. She was sure he'd feel better once he'd have some food to eat. She kept patting his head or stroking his back between running back and forth to finish up her cooking and setting the table.

Harry couldn't do anything but follow her instructions, his mind was a mess, the emotions was all jangled up. Everything was wrong! She didn't hit him. She didn't demand he worked for his food. What were the rules? What was he supposed to do?! And why did it feel so very...right? And the hug! Now he understood why people hugged. His emotions were a mess, fear mingling with happiness, and he didn't know what to do with himself, so he simply sat there and ate the food on his plate. He hadn't had food in so long...he placed his fork down, then picked it up. No! He HAD to eat everything! He placed the fork down again, his small stomach couldn't fit so much food, how was he supposed to eat all this? He bit his lip to stop himself from crying in frustration. He wasn't ungrateful! He couldn't let them think he was ungrateful! He tried again, feeling like he might throw up any minute.

"You don't have to eat everything if you don't want to dear." Mavis said as she noticed him struggle. She knew some families had the peculiar notion of not wasting food, Satan knows why...and she decided that since his former family so clearly had no idea of how to properly raise a child, she could have to teach him herself. She'd raised two children herself...tree if she counted their house-guest Benny, Satan known he acted like a child...and her grandson. She paused, she supposed that if Sharon took little Harry inn as her own son, he was her grandson now. She smiled down at him.  
"Thank you m'am" Harry said quietly, giving her a shy smile. He didn't quite understand why, but when she smiled at him, it felt so good. Nobody had ever done that before he met that nice lady and her mother...  
"Oh, no need for that, Harry. You're Sharon's child now, which makes me your grandma... Call me granny!" Mavis demanded. And Harry couldn't help but feel his little heart swell in joy. He had a mother! And a grandmother! He'd always, ALWAYS wanted a mother! And she was so nice! Not like the drunken, worthless slobs his real parents had been! He smiled a breathtakingly brilliant smile up at Mavis and hugged her.

Slowly the rest of the family trickled into the kitchen and picked up their plates. First it was Harry's new mom, then there was this middle-aged guy with small round glassed (unlike the large round ones his wife had) that made him look kinda funny, especially since he was a bit short, and his hair was more black than grey and didn't quite cover the top of his head, which made Harry wonder what had happened to his hair. He introduced himself as Stan, and Mavis insisted that he was Harry's grandpa, and he smiled and nodded when Harry looked at him, making Harry feel that strange happiness again. Sharon said that her brother Derek and that lazy-ass house-guest of theirs, Benny, rarely woke up until at least lunch, so it wasn't surprising that they were nowhere to be seen near the table.

When they were finished eating, Mavis began to clean up, and shooed away Harry when he tried to help. Sharon got up and gathered the leftovers in a bowl.  
"Hey, kid. Wanna come with me to feed Fido?" She said and smiled at him. Harry smiled back and nodded hesitantly. Did they have a dog? Dogs were scary... they reminded him of aunt Margret.  
"Don't worry, Harry, he won't eat ya. He only eats missionaries and other idiots." She smiled as she lead the way over to the door to the basement and opened it. Harry wasn't very reassured by what she said, but he was getting increasingly curious about 'Fido'. He peered down into the pitch-black darkness down there as his new mom put down the bowl of food on the top step. Harry chocked back a scream and jumped to hide behind her as tentacles much bigger than him rushed up to grab the bowl. He heard the noises of...IT...eating, before the bowl was thrown back up, all the while Sharon was cooing about how he was such a good boy.  
"Fido, this is Harry, he's family!" She said, and Harry screamed as he felt a tentackle hugging him and pulling him down towards that scary thing.  
"Be nice Fido! Now give him back! Don't worry, Harry. He's just a bit playful." Sharon smiled as she helped Harry out of the tentacle and he clung to her robe for dear life. Sharon stroke his hair. "Hey, Harry... Don't worry. Fido won't hurt ya. He's a good boy, you'll see." She inwardly sighed and wondered what the hell that other family had taught him. He seemed to be scared of everything, even Fido, which was just a puppy, honestly... She really should get started on teaching him about life. Clearly his former caretakers had failed at this. But first...

"Come on kiddo. We really need to get you some nice, good robes. Maybe your new dad can conjure up some. He hasn't paid his alimony this month anyway, he totally owes me!" Sharon said and lead Harry further into the house.

The room was painted in black...everything, even the floor and ceiling was black. And there was a pentagram painted on the floor...was that blood?! Harry clung to his new mom, unsure of what to think.  
"Just sit over there, Harry." She smiled and patted his head before pushing him over to a corner. Harry watched as Sharon light the candles and some smoky sticks that smelled nice and began to chant...he wondered what she was doing...what she was saying...but he didn't dare to protest. Sure, this was all really scary, but they hadn't hurt him. They didn't make him do chores till his fingers hurt and his back hurt and throw him into a cramped closet. They'd even given him food! Whatever it was she did, Harry decided, it was guaranteed going to be better than what the Dursley's did. For saving him...for taking him away...for all the nice new feelings he had...Harry loved his new mom. She was the best mom on the world!

Then he whimpered in fear as he watched smoke rising from the floor, and a VERY big darkly red figure rose from the smoke.  
"Why have you summoned me woman?" The creature said in a deep voice, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression stern. Was that horns on it's head? Harry scuttle into the corner as best he could, trying to hide.  
"Non of that, love." Sharon said and slapped his arm. Satan deflated and suddenly didn't look nearly as scary.  
"Sharon, PLEASE! There are protocols to follow!" Satan whined at her.  
"Shush you." She said and walked over to fetch Harry bringing him to stand in front of the scary creature. "You're scaring out new son. Be nice!" She said and the creature now looked like he was about to have a heart-attack.  
"What the... How the... Did we..?" He tried fanatically to remember how the hell he could have managed to get a son that old. Damien was just a toddler. Was she mad at him for sleeping with another chick again? Who the heck had he slept with...had Sharon killed her and taken the kid?

Luckily he was spared more worries, as Sharon opened her mouth to explain everything that had happen.  
"And that's why you're his new daddy!" She finished her explanation with, both Satan and Harry was now staring at her with wide eyes. However, Satan was not unused to her crazy ideas, and he sighed, knowing he'd never hear the end of it if he didn't go along with it...or at least pretended to. Why, oh, WHY did she choose that woman to be his bride?!? He looked her over...oh...right...damn she was hot. At least her body was. That's why. And he was drunk. Very, very drunk. He turned to Harry and smiled...not a very reassuring grin, he WAS Satan after all. Ruler of Hell and all that, he didn't DO nice! But it was a smile, if an evil one.  
"Well...son..." He started a bit awkwardly and patted the kid's head...the kid that looked like he was about to cry...and he did NOT do well with crying. "Oh, would you look at that! Someone else is calling me! I'm sorry son, I have to run. Here, have some gifts!" Satan rushed to vanish in a cloud of smoke, leaving behind a small pile of presents at Harry's feet, leaving him shell-shocked, while Sharon shook her head and glared at the spot he had been, arms crossed and her foot tapping angrily at the floor. Oh, he was NOT going to wiggle his way out of this!  
"Gifts...?" Harry blinked. "F..for me?!" He stared at the pile of gifts with an awed expression and Sharon couldn't manage to stay mad anymore, he was just too adorable. She smiled and patted his head.  
"Yeah, kid. C'm on. Take your gifts with you up to your room. Your mom needs to have a little...chat...with your daddy." She piled the gifts into his arms and shooed him out of the ritual room.

* * *

Harry brought his pile of gifts back up to his new room in the attic and proceeded to stare at them. He had seen Dudley open gifts before, but he had never gotten anyone himself. He felt almost unsure of what to do... He smiled brightly as he picked up the first one, shaking it like he had seen Dudley doing sometimes, before opening it carefully. He didn't want to destroy the wrapping...even if it looked a bit like tar, which was really weird, and he wasn't entirely sure what the strings were made of, but it looked distinctively something that might once have been alive... He shrugged it off and pushed it off. It was gifts! From his DAD! He. Had. A. DAD! He was still in awe at how easily his new daddy accepted him, and it made him feel all warm and happy. He'd never been accepted like that before. Nobody ever wanted HIM, the freak. He pushed the thought away, he didn't want to cry again. It was embarrassing how much he cried. He was also not sure this wasn't just a wonderful dream... It seemed to be too good to be real.

He carefully opened the first gift, and was greeted with the sight of a rather elaborate decorated dagger with a black handle. It looked VERY sharp, and if Harry hadn't been cooking since he was old enough to reach the stove-top, he would have wondered about what kind of father would give that to a child. Instead, Harry smiled. He might not have to cook anymore...and it didn't exactly look like a kitchen knife...but it was his. He would have hugged it if he wasn't so afraid of it cutting him! He placed it on the bed and opened the next one... Which turned out to have a ridiculously comfy onsie jammy that, when Harry tried it on, made him look like a cute little devil, tail and all. And his hoodie had horns! And it was soooooo comfy! Harry hugged himself just to be able to feel the fabric. This was something completely different from Duddley's hand-me-downs. Harry grinned happily as he reached for the next gift in his pile....

The sun was high in the sky by the time Harry was finished, and he sat on the floor surrounded with a small mountain of possessions, grinning like a maniac. He loved his new daddy already, he was the best daddy in the whole WORLD! Okay... so he didn't know what to do with everything, like the cigarettes, or the funny-tasting thing in bottles that made him feel dizzy...but he he had so much stuff, and it was all HIS! He pushed or careful put, his new possessions on the floor and flopped back onto the bed, laughing with the joy that was bubbling up inside him, feeling like his little heart would explode from feeling this much happiness. He didn't know that he could feel that happy. He hadn't ever felt like he was loved, or that he was anything but a burden, but his new parents very clearly loved him. Why else would they give him so many wonderful new tings? He picked up the G.I. Joe doll that, for some reason, had come with a magnifying glass and played around with it, just enjoying the fact that it was his, and that there was no one else around that would take it away from him, then he hugged the strange octopus like plushy to his chest. "Is your name Yog-Sogthrot? Sothroth? What did the tag say again?" Harry hugged his precious new plushy even as he leaned out of the bed to look into the mess on the floor to find the note that it had come with, before flopping back on the bed, labeling it a lost cause once he saw the mess of wrapping paper and unwrapped gifts laying about. He wondered if he had a shelf in his new room. He was sure some of those things were probably decorative items. The eyeballs in a jar HAD to be decorative. It freaked him out at first, but he had to admit they were really pretty, blue like the sky... Harry smiled and laid on the bed hugging his plushy and labeled this the best day in his entire life.

* * *

It was quite a bit later, as Harry was lying on his bed reading one of the strange books he had gotten, the one that had his plushy in it! He absolutely loved his new plushy, and apparently it was named after some kind of godlike creature, and Harry was currently trying to understand the whole concept of how to summon him. It sounded like it was just a fairytale --his aunt and uncle were extremely adamant that magic wasn't real-- but he thought it could be fun to try anyway...even if it wasn't real. It was like a fun game, and then he could pretend his plushy soared down from the stars to him... Harry's young mind was playing with all the ideas for his little fantasy scenario when he suddenly heard one of the doors on the second floor slam shut, and music that he had never heard before coming from one of the rooms. Harry edged off the bed and sneaked down the stairs, wondering what kind of music it was, it sounded so...angry...but kinda nice too... He peered into the room that had the door slightly ajar. Must have been a different door he heard slam shut then he thought, and he carefully pushed the door open, and the music sounding even louder to him.

"Six...six six, the number of the beast~ Hell, and Fire, was spawned to be released!~" The slightly short and chubby guy on the bed was singing along to the music. Was he shaving his head? He looked way to young to be bald, closer to 20 or 30 maybe... harry wasn't sure, but he didn't look much older than his mother. Maybe just a little. His pondering was interrupted when the guy noticed he was there and stopped playing his imaginary guitar.

"...Who are you?" He said, looking at Harry, wondering if maybe the kid was their new sacrifice or something. he didn't really pay much attention to what everyone was talking about, really. Too much work.  
"Um...I... The nice woman..." Harry wasn't sure what to say, and he had never really interacted much with anyone, he was a little scared of people, to be fair.  
"What are you doing up here kid?" The guy asked him, trying to figure out if he had escaped from the basement or something. Harry had put his clothes back on so he did kinda look like a starved prisoner. Harry forced himself to be brave, his mommy wouldn't let someone hurt him...right?  
"M...my new mom told me to go to my room while she summoned daddy for a 'chat'." He said, mentally patting himself on the back for not looking like a dear in the headlights, or running away.  
"Your...Oh...OH!" The guy slapped his forehead. "You're that new kid Sharon picked up, ain't you?" Harry nodded tentatively.  
"So what's your name, kid? I'm Benny by the way. Come inn kid, come inn!" Harry smiled at Benny, who was now sitting on the bed and waving him inside. Well... He SEEMED friendly enough... Harry carefully shuffled into the room, and marveled at all the posters on the wall and the strange things in jars on his bookshelves... there wasn't many books there, but there was ALOT of strange stuff...and a collection of different daggers.  
"Harry. I'm Harry." He said and smiled, unknowingly tapping his fingers to the beat of the music, partly in nervousness. It pulled you inn he thought, even if they sounded angry at first.  
"I see you like Maiden?" Benny smiled at the kid, watching how he looked around the room and admiring his things. He wasn't very good with kids, but he was sure everyone loved music.  
"M...maiden?" Harry asked, looking curiously up at Benny.  
"Iron Maiden, totally awesome band!" Benny proclaimed. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Cradle of Filth and the more heavy shit too, but Maiden is CLASSIC!" He sounded very enthusiastic as he continued to explain the various bands on his posters to Harry, enjoying having this kid watching him with rapt attention and respect. He felt a strangle feeling in his chest at that. Respect... Nobody really respected him, he was a lazy son of a bitch and he knew it. Sure, the family loved him, even if he was mooching off them most of the time, but respect... He found himself liking this kid more and more as he let Harry listen to all the different types music he had lying about.

* * *

It was closing inn on dinner-time by the time Benny finished up his lecture about rock and metal through the ages, with certain visual inputs that left Harry just slightly traumatized...and very, very happy Benny didn't actually have a live bat to bite...that was a very disturbing image to the young boy. Then again, after Fido, and his new dad, he suspected that he'd get used to these kind of things soon enough.  
"Come on Harry. Dinner's ready!" Benny practically dragged Harry downstairs after smelling the air. Harry had no idea how he managed to smell the cooking from all the way up on the second floor and into the hallway, and he couldn't smell a thing until he reached the downstairs himself, but that was just how Benny was he supposed.

"There you are sweetie." Sharon put her arm around Harry and lead him to the table. Harry still flinched when people touched him, but he felt more and more comfortable around his new mother...even if he was also a bit hessitant about trusting strangers that easilly. Still... She was nice, and being hugged was nice, and her arm felt nice...it felt like Love, even if he had never felt it before. He wondered if this was what it felt like to have a real family....

"Now, Harry..." She said as she sat him down and sat down herself between Harry and Damien in his high chair. "I talked to your father, and he promised to spend some quality time with you once you've settled inn here. I'll teach you how to summon him tommorrow, okay, sweetie?" She said, and Harry smiled back up at her shyly.  
"Okay." He said and focused on the food, hessitating with taking anything, still feeling like he didn't have the right to have this yummy food without even working for it. He felt a bit ungrateful and lazy for having spent the whole day enjoying himself, and he certantly hadn't earned this yummy food. The thought made his eyes tear up again, because he really, really wanted it. But he didn't deserve it.  
"What's wrong, dearie?" Mavis said, and Harry looked up at the kind face with the too large glasses of his new grandmother and bit his lip.  
"I...I'm sorry for being a burden." He said, hunching over and blushing in shame. "I'll work harder tomorrow, I promise! Just tell me what to do! I'm really good at cooking and cleaning, I don't burn food anymore!" He said, eager to please his new family and show them how greatful he was. Because he was greatful. He really, really was!  
"Nonsend dearie." Mavis dissmissed his worries, much to Harry's amazement. "Children don't need to work. Just do well in school, that's all you need to worry about." She said and smiled at him. Harry stared at her as if she had grown an extra head at that statement.  
"Y...you want me to do good in school?!" He asked incrediously. "But...what if I accidentally got better grades than them...?" he bit his lip and looked over at Damien who was currently stabbing his food wildly and grinning evilly. He wasn't ready for school for a few more years, but.... And Harry really didn't want to outstage his new uncle...he looked over at Derek, whom may have been sixteen, but was still playing with his food, shaping the mashed potatoes into a...very shapely...woman...

"Then we'd be very proud of you sweetie." Sharon said, and everyone at the table nodded their heads, and that strange feeling swelled in Harry's chest again, making him want to cry. He blushed and took a bite of his Sheppard's pie to stop the tears from falling, horrified at what they must think about him for being such a crybaby. He didn't understand it...he never cried. Not even when Vernon pulled his shoulder out of it's socket when he was particularly angry and throwing him into the cupboard. But now...he couldn't help himself, even if he wasn't sad or in pain or anything. He decided that his emotions was weird and focused on eating, listening to the rest of the family chatting around the dinner-table and allowed himself a small smile. He felt almost like...like they really WERE his family. Maybe Sharon really was his mother! Maybe he had been kidnapped as a baby and left with those mean people! Harry decided that he liked that version of the truth better, and started daydreaming about how it all had happened. It was a conspiracy, like he'd heard when he listened to the programs on the telly from his cupboard. Maybe the Dursley's was from, like, a weird cristian cult or something. He had heard that cristian people hated Satan and magic and anything that wasn't directed by their rules and moral beliefs. They kidnapped people all the time according to the telly! He nodded to himself and decided that he'd believe in that! It was so much nicer than his parents being useless drunks who were stupid enough to drink and drive and then left him behind. He didn't want to believe he was related to the Dursley's either. They were mean and fat and ugly. His new mother...no....his REAL mother, was pretty and nice and cool, and he wanted to believe that it was her genes he had, not the stupid, fat Dursleys! Harry barely noticed that he drifted off to sleep, falling against Sharon's side and hugging her, feeling warm and his stomach was for once full, and for the first time everything was all right in the world.


	3. Looking for Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet Harry's new Father and Daddy. The rest is a surprise~

Harry brushed his hands down the fabric of his new red robes and marvelled at the softness of the fabric. His mother had gotten it for him the day before, and he was still feeling a bit unused to wearing them, but he really, really wanted to fit in with the rest of his family. He had never been quite so happy before that their house was just shy of the county-line to Greater London, rather than Surrey, which meant that he was going to go to an entirely different school than his old one, and hopefully be less likely to being beaten up by someone like his fat cousin and his gang. He took a deep breath and picked up his brand new, black school back and headed down for breakfast, hoping he didn't look too nervous.  
"Hello dear. Are you okay You look a little flushed?”  
His grandma was setting the table the way she done every day since he got here. It had taken them a week and an acquaintance of Satan whom happened to be one hell of a lawyer, and a few threats to the Dursley's to sign the right paperwork, but now everything was finally in order, and Harry was officially a DeVille. They even helped him getting his name changed to Harry DeVille! He felt more and more like he truly belonged here.

"Hey, grandma. I'm just a bit worried about my new school. What if they don't like me?"  
Harry bit his lip, worrying more about potentially broken bones than loneliness. He had his family now after all. He wasn't going to ask for more than that, even if it WOULD be nice with a friend...  
"Don't worry dearie. You're a charmer. I'm sure they'll like you," Mavis told him.  
"And if they don't, just punch those pressure-points I showed you," Benny said and patted his hair as he walked next to him to grab his own breakfast.  
"I will, uncle!" Harry nodded his head rapidly and smiled.   
Apparently, Benny was too lazy to be bothered to fight fair, plus, fighting fair was just stupid when you were short, so he decided to even the odds by learning ways to knock out or kill an opponent with minimal work involved. He tried to teach some of those tricks to Harry, because he didn't want his new favourite nephew to have to suffer through the embarrassment of being beaten up in school. Some people just didn't appreciate it when men wore robes and couldn't tell them from a dress. Not that he would tell Harry that, he figured it would do the kid some good to learn it the hard way and gain some confident by beating up the moron himself instead of worrying about it.  
By the time everyone has eaten their breakfast, Sharon and Harry were on their way to school, Harry was feeling a bit better about it. He had been reading some of Derek’s old school-books from the first grade, and with some help from his mom he felt relatively confident that he would understand everything and make his mommy proud of him.

* * *

After the first few days, Harry was starting to walk with Derek to school, once Sharon felt that Harry knew the way well enough to not get lost along with his easily distracted, very air-headed uncle.   
It had taken almost a week, but by that time the bullies in school who had thought he would be an easy target had learned their lessons, and generally left him alone to pick on people who didn't kick them in the balls or, on one memorable occasion, almost gouged the eyeballs out of their leader. They might be stronger than him as well as superior in number, but he was just too much trouble. Why pick on someone who can hurt you when there are so many people who just quivered in fear and handed over their lunch-money anyway? Besides…it was embarrassing to have to admit they were a little intimidated by a firsty who seemed to have a complete lack of regard for human life and health. Even the worst bully at the school didn't want to risk killing or maiming their victim...just scared them shitless and maybe beat them up a bit. They weren't really bad people. At least they told themselves that. And that weird kid just creeped them out sometimes.

* * *

Sharon brought Harry with her to the ritual room, and started setting up the candles, allowing Harry to help hand her things, and watch her work, so he could learn how to do it himself.  
"This is important so pay attention kiddo," Sharon said and smiled at Harry's enthusiasm.  
"Okay mom! I'm just happy to see Father again. Do you think he'll have time to hang out with me today though? He seemed really busy last time," Harry told her, hoping that he would have some more time to get to know his Father.  
He'd never had a dad before, not one he could talk to, and everyone else around him always had a dad, and their dads took them to fun places and did fun stuff with them…Harry had always been envious of that.  
"I know you read the book I gave you, so pay attention to the intonation of the words, and the gestures, alright?" Sharon lectured.  
As Harry nodded she began to speak the forbidden words that would summon Satan onto Earth, and to allow him to walk around freely at his leisure, something most ritualists would never in a million years dare to attempt or allow. However, Sharon was confident that he wouldn't overstay his welcome or harm them. She was practically married to him anyway, he just hadn't proposed because his father wouldn't like it, or maybe there was some kind of law in Hell that forbidden marriage with a human, or something…anyway…she was sure he had a really good reason for it. He clearly liked her well enough to take her as his mistress anyway, so she wasn't overly worried. If some other bitch would dare and try to steal him, she'd just dispose of the rival. Easy-peasy. She focused on the task again as she watched Satan's majestically red figure rise from the steam and smoke.

"Why has thou called me here, woman? …Again."  
"Don't be like that, love. Remember, you agreed to spend some time with your son today. Make it a father-son day, yeah?" Sharon scolded him as she slapped Satan's arm lightly. Satan deflated and sighed before smiling at Harry.  
"Oh, right. Well then…son…." He patted Harry's hair with his own enormous hand and tried to think about what activities people usually did. "Soooo…Harry, was it? What do you want to do?" Satan asked him, unsure of what to suggest himself.  
"Can we go to the zoo?!"  
Harry's green puppy-dog eyes light up in awe of being allowed to choose. His new family was amazing! And his father asked him for HIS opinion! How great was that?!  
"Well…I suppose…."  
Satan looked down at his red body and loincloth, twirling his tail in his hand.  
"I assume I will need some…er…disguise." He coughed awkwardly.  
He might be very, very good at putting the fear of Hell in mortals and rule the place with an iron fist, but this father-son thing…on earth…yeah, not so much.  
"Oh, don’t ya worry, love. I got it all covered!" Sharon told him and picked up a long, black trench-coat and a hat from a chair that stood nearby.  
If one just ignored the fact that it was summer…and the tail. Once he shrunk himself down to the size of a normal human…he would still stand out, but he could almost pass for a human, as long as nobody looked too closely anyway. Harry just grinned widely, thinking his dad looked like one of those cool spies on the telly.

* * *

Once they arrived at the zoo, and Satan had hypnotized the ticket-boot officer to hand them two tickets for free, Harry began to drag his new father around to stare at all the different animals. He had never seen most of them and it was absolutely amazing to see them all! Harry was a bit disappointed that all the lions did was lazing about, but he was absolutely fascinated by the snake tank. He spoke to one of the snakes briefly and listened to her grievances about longing to go back to Brazil, and Harry really wished he could help her.  
"Can you help her Father?" He looked up at Satan with those damnable green puppy-dog eyes and Satan felt his heart melt just a little bit more. Here he had thought Sharon was bad, her screeching and violent tendencies was scary enough to make him do as she said, but this kid made him want to help him, and if he ever, Darkness forbids, cried, he would move Hell and Earth to stop it and he absolutely hated it! 

“I…well…yeah, well…we can't just let her out. England is too cold for her, and Brazil is really...really...far..." Harry kept staring at him, damn those green too big eyes! "Okay! Okay! I'll... get one of my human agents to come and take her home, okay?!"  
He stared at the kid, eye twitching in irritation. Harry's grin could light up the entire world as he hugged Satan, thanking him repeatedly. Satan couldn't help but hug him back, and he melted even more, grumbling as he silently cursed Sharon and the damned adorable kid yet again. This was bad for his image.  
It goes without saying that when Harry later asked if he could have ice-cream, and when asked which flavour he wanted, he said "All of them?", Satan ended up buying him a humongous ice-cream-cone with 21 different flavours and a few magic-infusions to stop it from melting too quickly, or falling apart, or being too heavy for a small child to carry. Harry was extremely happy, declaring it the best Father-Son day ever! Satan felt a strange fatherly pride blossom in his chest at that and had to fight the smile that threatened to mar his stoic face. He failed miserably.

* * *

The next few weeks passed quickly, and Harry easily fell into the routines of his new life, enjoying each and every day more than he had ever thought possible, and soaking up the knowledge that his new family bestowed upon him, slowly taking in their values and beliefs, and making them his own. And then, one day, something quite magical happened to him...  
The next few weeks passed quickly, and Harry easily fell into the routines of his new life, enjoying each and every day more than he had ever thought possible, and soaking up the knowledge that his new family bestowed upon him, slowly taking in their values and beliefs, and making them his own. And then, one day, something quite magical happened to him.  
"Mom! Mom!" Harry ran in the door excitedly one day near the end of the school year, throwing his backpack by the door almost forgetting to take off his shoes in his rush to tell her the news.  
"What is it honey?" Sharon smiled at him. Harry was absolutely adorable when he was exited like this, even if he didn't have the diabolical cuteness of his baby brother.  
"I set the teachers hair on fire today!" Harry beamed with pride. "I was just soooo bored, and Mr. Johnson just droned on and on and on…and I just wished his head would catch on fire, so he'd stop being so boring, and it just happened!" Harry told her with a wide grin.  
It had only take a few weeks, some books, and a few ritual sacrifices to make Harry understand that there was no reason to pity the weak. If they couldn't defend themselves, they deserved what they got. And it was not like the Dursley's had ever taught him any morals anyway. If everything you do is wrong, how was he to tell what was the right and wrong thing to do? It didn't really matter what was right and wrong.  
The DeVilles were much more consistent though; Killing or maiming fools, idiots and people who annoyed you were perfectly alright. Helping old ladies across the road or follow anything the bible said was wrong. Which lead to Harry making a list of the commandments and made a commitment to break as many of them as he possibly could, as often as he could be bothered. He marked his achievements with a small reversed pentagram sticker. He was starting to gather so many on some of the commandments that he considered moving the list into a book instead, so he could track his achievements better. His mom promised him that if he gathered enough pentagrams by Samhain, he'd get a gift! Harry happily worked hard to collect his stickers.

"Oh, sweetie, that's awesome! I'm so proud of ya!"  
Sharon hugged her son and praised him for his achievement. She made sure to praise him every single time he did any magic, accidental or not, and he was becoming better at making it happen. She was happy that their good friend Richard would be dropping by this summer, he knew all about that magic stuff, maybe he could teach him more about it. The boy needed a – she paused in her line thoughts – godfather doesn't sound quite right, but then again, if the term was good enough for the mafia kingpins, why not? She patted Harry hair again and promised him they could go to the zoo to celebrate it. For some reason, he'd become fast friends with one of the boa constrictors residing there, and he was always excited about seeing her.  
Harry hugged him mom back, grinning from ear to ear. His mother was proud of him, and it made him feel even more proud of himself. He decided that Lucifer was totally right; Pride was the best feeling ever!  
"Oh, and mom! I think I made a new friend in school today!" he told her.  
"Really? Well, come in and have some dinner with the rest of us. You can tell the whole family all about it, and about the teacher. I betcha they're all really proud of ya," Sharon said and ushered Harry into the kitchen, where the rest of the family had gathered.  
Harry simply grinned at all the praises he got from setting the teacher on fire, and excitedly told them about this interesting bookworm of a girl he'd met in school today. She had punched the bully in the nose, not that it had stopped him, but lucky for her, Harry thought that someone who punched Big Mike in the nose would have to be fun to hang out with, and nobody wanted to get on his bad side, not after what he did to Jim.

Harry couldn't help but loving each and every second of his new life. As bad as things had been before, that was as good as they had become.   
Sure... his new family might not agree with the rest of society on...most things, and their values might at best be referred to as eccentric...but they loved him for who he was, and encouraged the strange, magical things he could sometimes do, instead of slapping him, or locking him up in a closet without food. Besides…the more he was learning, the more he found he agreed with their beliefs. It sounded perfectly reasonable when it was explained to him properly, and the morals and values most of the other idiots and sheep had didn't ever seem to have any logical reason behind it other than 'It's evil' or 'It's wrong.' Harry thought those reasons HAD to be the most stupid things he had ever heard. Hell…even the teacher talked about Darwin as a guy who knew what he was talking about, and Sharon had told him all about his theory of Survival of the Fittest, so they were all clearly hypocritical.  
Just as Harry was finishing up his story, there came a distinctive 'fwoosh' sound, like something had just caught on fire, and a lot of screaming from the neighbours, and his grandma clapped her hands together and smiled broadly.

"Oh, how wonderful! It sounds like Richard is here! He'll just LOVE to hear about how our dear little Harry set his teacher on fire, I'm sure he'll have a good laugh!" she said and moved to answer the doorbell as it rang...or screeched...it was hard to tell sometimes.  
"Mom....Who's Richard?"  
Harry looked over to his mother. Damien looked his usual evil self, plotting ways to lay waste to his food people, and Derek whimpered and ran to lock himself in his room. For some reason Richards really didn't like him...unless he hurt himself in some amusing way or other of course.  
"Oh, Richard is an old family-friend. We go back a long, long time, him and the family," Sharon explained with a smile while she patted Harry's head. "Come on, finish your meal quickly so we can go join the others in the sitting room," she continued as she went to pick up Damien and let Harry eat the last bacon on his plate before ushering him into the other room. He could hear their voices from the hallway, and Harry was just a little bit intimidated at the dark, yet suspiciously happy voice that came from the sitting room.

 **"So, this kid just set his teacher's head on fire because he was bored? I like him already!"** The dark voice proclaimed.  
"Yes, and we hope you wouldn't mind us asking you this, but you ARE our oldest friend and we would love for you to be the new godfather of our precious little Harry," Mavis said.  
She turned to smile at Harry as he walked into the living-room. The guy who was dressed in robes as black as the night sky, with a hood and a red gem on his chest stared at Harry, in a way that made Harry fear for his life, and consequentially his magic lashed out and set Richard on fire, making Harry blanch. But just as he was about to stutter out an apology Richard turned to Mavis and, if his eyebrows – or lack thereof – was anything to go by, he was grinning.

 **"Oh, I like him A LOT! Can I keep him?!"** he asked, sounding like an exited child, making Harry giggle at the mismatching impressions he got from him. Maybe he wasn't so scary after all.  
It took Mavis and Sharon quite some time to talk Richard out of stuffing Harry in his bag and keep him with his other 'children', but in the end they managed to get him to agree to a shared custody as a second father. Harry had never felt more loved in his life and hugged the warlock…something Richard couldn't remember anyone ever doing before, and awkwardly patted Harry's head.  
 **"Of course, you love me son, I'm your new Daddy. I'm your BEST Daddy!"** Richard exclaimed, clenching his fist.  
He was going to show up that other hot-shot who thought he could be the father of such a wonderfully violent pyromaniac.  
 **"I'll teach you how to Fwoosh. I bet Satan couldn't Fwoosh if he was holding a burning torch!"** he said determinedly. **"And I'll fry your old family while I'm at it. Can't have them hanging around with any legal claims, right?"** Richard said lightly while studying his nails in casual dismissal.

Harry wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that, but then he remembered how they had treated him, and that it was not okay for them to do so, and he decided that if anyone deserved to be deep fried, it would be them, so he just smiled and nodded his head at Richard. He wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to teach him, but he loved learning new things, now that he had a family who was actually encouraging him to learn, and that praised him when he did well.

* * *

Luckily for everyone, there was only a week left of school, then it was summer vacation. Richard had decided to stay for the summer and had promptly occupied the neighbour’s house, setting fire to the weird cat-lady that had recently seemed to move in there, and making a sport of hunting down each and every of her cats as well. Harry had been a bit worried when some strange men in robes had come to try and take Richard away, but after frying a few of them and making their skeletons kill any newcomers, it seemed that they had decided that it wasn't worth the risk involved to seek revenge for one old lady and a few cats. It was possible that the human heads on stakes in various humorous poses kept anyone from investigating too closely as well. The rest of the neighbourhood, by now used to the DeVille's antics, had decided it was most likely a too early Halloween joke and pretended the blight on their beautiful neighbourhood did not exist.

Richard also set up a room for Harry to stay at in his new house, and Harry was staying there just as much as he was staying with his mother and the rest of his family. He decided he loved being a divorcee child, because if his mom wouldn't let him do something, he'd just go ask his dad, or his father. And Richard never said no to anything, and usually encouraged whatever it was, especially if it was violent and dangerous. 

**"No, no, no! You need to work on your technique, it's all about visualizing and make the magic flow through your body! Think happy thoughts! Envision the bunny being on fire! SEE it!"**  
Richard was working with Harry, teaching him how to Fwoosh, but it seemed to be a bit of a process and he wondered if it had anything to do with Harry still being alive. He tapped his chin as he pondered if it was about time that he introduced Harry to the first steps of becoming a Warlock. Merlin forbid he became something as boring as a Wizard! Richard shuddered at the thought.  
"I did it! I did it!"  
Harry was jumping up and down as he watched the bunny go up in flame. Huh…Bunnies can scream? He didn't know that. Oh, well... Harry shrugged, then he laughed as the bunny kept trying to outrun the flames and looking absolutely hilarious as it did so. He totally saw why his father loved setting things on fire. The bunnies looked super-funny! he briefly wondered if humans would look equally as funny, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with the concept of killing humans... Then he reminded himself that if they were too stupid to just stop, drop and roll, the world would probably be better off without their gene pool anyway.

 **"That's my boy!"** Richard said and lifted Harry up, swirling him around and making Harry laugh in joy, both at the action and at the sound of pride in his Daddy's voice. Yes... Richard insisted that he called him 'Daddy'. So, he decided that maybe he should call Satan 'Father'...just to tell them apart.  
 **"Now…now the time for vengeance has come. The time to smite down your enemies with fire and brimstone! And then...we dance! Mwahahahahahaha!!!"** Richard said, shaking his fist at the sky, laughing maniacally. Which Harry decided meant he was going to take Harry on a field-trip to kill something…or someone…it was hard to tell with his new Daddy.

In the end, it became apparent that the cats of the neighbourhood had learned their lesson and ran away to a different neighbourhood where there was less risk to their lives, and so Harry spent the rest of the afternoon setting fire to squirrels and the occasional bird. Which was, quite frankly, hilarious to watch how they flopped about, trying to stay in the air and failing. Harry was starting to enjoy this just as much as his dad did. Which was supported by Richard praising him and stolen candy from other children, to give to Harry whenever he hurt someone, whether it was accidental or not. Positive enforcement is a very strong motivator after all.

* * *

As the time closed in on his 7th birthday, Richard decided it was finally time for him to be introduced to the Brothers of Darkness, and get him signed up for a membership, as well as getting him started on his path to become an undead Warlock just like him. Richard was pretty sure his mother might not be entirely TOO happy with the idea, so he decided it was for the best to just keep it a secret from her. After explaining to Harry about how mothers often were overprotective and liked to deny their kids anything fun, Harry nodded and promised Richard he wouldn't tell her until he officially became a Warlock... probably around his 17'th birthday...at which point it would be impossible to keep it secret anymore. Mostly because of the pronounced change in skin-color and the prominent door of Death that always followed proper Warlocks around, seeing as it was traditional for Warlocks to be dead. It wasn't necessarily a requirement, but it was a pretty big bonus to be undead, seeing as it provided you with unlimited, if rechargeable power, eternal lifespan, and a complete invulnerability to any kind of damage. Well... To any permanent damage. The occasional loss of limbs was a work hazard, and they could always be reattached, once you found them anyway, they did have a bad habit of running off on their own sometimes.

"Order! Order!" The current Supreme Warlock of the Court of the Brotherhood of Darkness knocked his Ordelis club down to overcome the chatter, ready to set of yet another meeting. Just as he was about to start the first topic of the day, he saw a figure appearing in the door that made him groan and want to bang his own head with the club instead. And why did he bring a child?   
"Oh, no need to stop on my account," Richard said cheerfully as he ushered Harry into the courtroom where the brotherhood held their monthly meetings.  
The Supreme Warlock of the Court sighed and figured out he better deal with whatever it is that the Chief Warlock wanted before he got bored and decided to start setting things on fire.  
"What brings you to the Brotherhood on this gloriously gloomy day, Chief Warlock?" the court master asked Richard.

 **"Ah, well, the application office said that we better bring Harry's apprenticeship before the Supreme Court of Darkness, so he could be initiated as a potential Warlock,"** Richard told the attending warlocks.  
 **"Oh, and I figured you all could do with some cheering up around here!"**  
Richard smiled, and the rest of the Warlocks groaned as he started handing out funny hats that were clearly made of something that used to be alive once. The supreme court master sighed and put on his squirrel hat, knowing that it would be futile to even attempt to go against the Chief Warlock…there was a REASON he held that title after all.  
"On what grounds does this...child…have the rights to be considered worthy of becoming a Warlock? You DO remember that we do not accept applications of someone so young, much less alive?" He was starting to develop a twitch in his eye in irritation at this point. Dealing with the Chief Warlock was not good for one’s health, whether physical or mental health.  
 **"Oh, don't worry. My Son has already shown great talents in setting things on fire!"** Richard proclaimed proudly.  
The silent that followed the shock of Richard having a son…not to mention the consequential ponderings on how that was even physically possible...gave a whole new meaning to the saying 'silent as the grave'. It was positively oppressing. 

"WHAT?!? Your SON?!?" The room suddenly busted out in chattering, flying with everything from accusations of Richard being alive, to questions on how this could have been adopted, and Harry suddenly felt a little bad for Richard, being accused like that. So, he decided to speak up.  
"Um... I'm adopted. If it helps…And…Uhm... I've gotten really good at fwooshing!" Harry said and focused hard on making his hand burn, just like Richard, before proceeding to set the doorman on fire.  
 **"Drop and Roll!"** Richard placed his hand by his mouth to shout vaguely helpful advices. **"Or dance! That might work!"** Richard said as an afterthought, watching the man jump around like crazy.

"Sorry." Harry sighed. His control still lacked finesse, but he thought he was getting better at least. He hoped it didn't impact his chances to join. He really, REALLY wanted to be a Warlock like his Daddy!

The Brotherhood of Darkness watched the spectacle in deep awe, and slight fear. Never before had anyone this young shown such power... Most people were not even able to light a candle until they turned 11, never mind setting a whole person on fire! Maybe Richard was right. The boy had potential. But still…for all that the Brotherhood was for evil, some of them felt a bit uncomfortable with initiating a child. Did he know that once he had begun the process, the damage would be irreversible? Most of them had lived out their lives and been dragged up from Hell to join the Brotherhood. This child had not even lived out his life, hadn't even lived much at all. Surely, he would come to regret his action, maybe even change his mind?  
"Um...Right..." The judge coughed awkwardly. "Chief Warlock... Be reasonable. Surely the child doesn't fully understand the consequences of his choice. You don't want to rob him of his childhood, do you? And what if he changes his mind?"

 **"Pish-posh! you won't change your mind, right Harry?"** Richard casually dismissed their worries.  
What did they know. He was going to raise his new son to be the perfect Warlock. And if he had overemphasized the awesomeness of it, well... So, what if he had to manipulate the little scamp? It was for his own good. Who wouldn't want to be powerful and immortal? Regardless of the less pleasant consequences. Details, shmetails. They could deal with problems when they came. 

"Of course, not Daddy! I want to be an immortal, undying...well...undead...Warlock just like you!" Harry crossed his arms and glared at the judge, which broke out in sweat. It was uncertain if it was because of the fact that a child called the mentally unstable, sadistic, dangerous Chief Warlock 'daddy', or if it was because it was clear that Richard had taught Harry to glare, and he was doing a damned good job at it... Which was unsettling to see on a child of barely 7....if that.   
**"See?"** Richard ruffled Harry's hair and looked smugly up at the court official, whom seemed to sink defeated down into his seat.

"Very well... If there is no other objection, this Court will make the motions that this...Harry, will be made a Junior Member of the Court of Darkness, and initiated in the Ceremony of Blood. Does anyone object to this motion?" The Supreme Warlock of the Court asked, as was tradition.  
He looked out at the surrounding brotherhood and watched as Richard glared down anyone whom looked even slightly like they might consider protesting. There would be no objections...everyone was too fond of their unlife...and bodies...to go against the Chief Warlock.  
"Then this Court rules that Harry, son of Richard will be welcomed into the Brotherhood of Darkness by the Ritual of Blood, in exactly one week. Richard, it is your duty to teach your young apprentice our rules and traditions, as well as make sure he knows exactly what to do during the ceremony." The Court Warlock looked at Richard and added in an exasperated voice. "And for Darkness sake, Richard... PLEASE be serious under the ceremony!" He was begging now, but that was the only thing that might actually make him listen. Or laugh. Depending on his mood. This time, Richard made a formal bow, showing just how serious he was about this. And yes…Richard COULD be serious...he just rarely bothered.

 **"It shall be done, your honour. Have no fear."**  
Then Richard grinned, at least one could assume he was grinning, since all you could see behind his mask was his eyes, as he started to lead Harry back out again. The Brotherhood gave a collective sigh of relief.  
 **"We'll be off then. Things to do, people to murder...you know the drill,"** he said in a cheerful voice, patting Harry's back.  
Harry himself was smiling rather disconcertingly alike to Richard. Except you could actually see Harry's face...which just made it worse.

* * *

The next week Harry spent with Richard drilling into his head the words of the ceremony and teaching him about the rules and traditions of the Brotherhood of Darkness, and of Warlocks as a general. Because, as he said, **"You have to know the rules if only so you can break them."**

He was also preparing Harry for the fact that the ritual, being done to someone whom was alive, would hurt like a bitch. And while he contemplated on having Harry jump off cliffs or antagonizing bullies, he figured it would simply work better to hire a Dark wizard proficient with the Cruciatus curse and make him swear a Wizarding Oath to secrecy, and have Harry withstand it to the best of his ability.   
Harry was a bit worried, naturally enough, but he was familiar with pain, and he could not bear to disappoint his new daddy, whom had taught him so many things, helped him become strong, and he knew that Richard just wanted to help him...however extreme his methods was...it was for his own good. And he most certainly didn't want to make a fool out of himself by crying like a child at a serious ceremony, when Richard had fought so hard for him to be treated like an adult. And thus, it came to be that Harry kept at his training, biting his lip hard to stop himself from screaming out at the pain, and refusing to tap out until the Dark wizard quit the curse out of fear he might do some actual harm to the kid. The first few tries, Harry could barely hold out even for a minute, before starting to scream. But he insisted on continuing, determinate to rid himself of the weakness. 

He knew that you had to sacrifice something to become a Warlock, you had to make sacrifices for Power. The more Power you wanted, the more sacrifices you had to be willing to make. Naturally, he would sacrifice everyone else first, and he hoped that he could sacrifice the lives of the Innocent, like Richard did, but if he had to suffer for it, it would still be worth it in the end.

When Richard hugged him and gave him a painkiller potion and one for the after-effects of the Cruciatus curse and promised to take him to the Wizarding centre in London for Ice-cream as a reward, as well as patting him on the back and saying, **"Well done, son!"** with pride in his voice, Harry was more convinced than ever that it would be worth it. He briefly regretted it when Richard decided that while they were at it, he might as well teach Harry to fight off the Imperius curse. Which was humiliating to no end, because Richard would insist on humiliating him, so he would want to fight it off, but he was VERY grateful for that lesson too. Especially since he now understood just how much power some stranger could easily have gained over him, had he not learned to fight it.

Later that day Harry felt like his insides was bruised, it was a bit hard to walk, and his mother fussed over him while scolding Richard for allowing Harry to 'fall of a cliff', the excuse they had used, which Harry felt a little bad about. But Richard had convinced Harry that there was nothing wrong with lying, and really…it was better for Sharon if she didn't know the real reason, it would just worry her. As Harry was smiling up at his overprotective mom as she tucked him into bed, he decided Richard was right. If she was this worried now, how worried wouldn't she have been if she had known about Harry being tortured. He raised his arms and hugged her.

"I love you mom." He said, smiling as she stroked his hair. For all the pain he was in, his life was so much better here than at the Dursleys.  
"I love you too son. Now get some rest, ya hear? And don't go followin' with Richard's suggestions too much. He's a great guy, but he ain't all that careful with people's health. I think he forgets that the rest of us ain't invulnerable like he is, alright?" Sharon smiled down at her son, stroking her hand through his hair. It was getting a bit long, and she wondered if he would want it cut, or if he intended to grow it out. She decided she'd ask him tomorrow.

* * *

In a dark room lit only by candles, a group of men in black robes stood in a wide circle around a circle made up of black candles placed upon the floor, their faces obscured by the large hoods of their cloaks. The clock was ticking ever closer to midnight and the men, or possibly women, it was impossible to know for sure, started to chant in an ancient language, long forgotten by most of mankind. The seconds ticked by as the ominous chant grew louder and louder, until, at the stroke of midnight, a bell rang out twelve times, and a door creaked open to reveal a small figure, dressed only in a white robe. As he stepped into the circle of black candles, head bowed to the floor, one of the shadowed men broke free from the rest and moved to stand in front of the smaller person.

 **"Child of Darkness and Night, you stand before the twelve most powerful of our kin, on the twelfth hour, the hour of Darkness and Evil. Behold! The Power of Darkness!"** The lights suddenly flamed out, leaving the room in pitch black darkness. **"And of Flame!"** Torches on the walls illuminated the room, and the candles began to glow with an eerie black flame. The small figured dressed in white was standing perfectly still before his Elder, careful to not move a muscle, or make a sound.

 **"Do you come before us of your own free will, child?"** The voice intoned.  
"Yes."  
 **"Do you swear to uphold the laws and traditions of the Dark Brotherhood, and to become like a scourge upon the land, using your powers to promote the TRUE Darkness and Evil that is the lot of our kind?"**  
"I swear by the Black Moon, by the Darkness of Night, and by the Fires of the Abyss, I will uphold and respect the Traditions and Laws of the Dark Brotherhood, and to become as a scourge upon the land, and promote the goals and visions of all that is Dark and Evil. So, I swear, so mote it be."  
 **"Do you swear to obey and follow your mentor and Lord, until such a time as you can be certified as a full-fledged Warlock in your own rights?"**  
"I do." The smaller figure said, and the dark robed man held out a silver goblet that seemed to be held up by a skeletal hand. On closer inspection, it WAS a skeletal hand. It looked old. Very, very old. The silver was stained black. The hooded man set the goblet down on a pedestal in front of the smaller person and pulled out some things from his robes.

 **"By the Powers of Darkness, we are blessed with our Curse,"** the encircling hooded creatures chanted together, for each step of the ritual, while the hooded man poured a silvery substance that the trained eye could recognize as unicorn blood, which glimmered in the moonlight. It had come from a young foul, whom had been tortured to give them permission to take it. Countering the curse by an act of exceptional Evil.  
 **"We are Cursed to Eternal Unlife, forever walking the Path of Death."**  
He poured basilisk venom into the cup.  
 **"We are Blessed with Eternal Unlife. Death can no longer touch us."**  
He dripped a few phoenix tears into the concoction, from a phoenix whom had cried at its bonded mate's death.

 **"We are Brothers in Darkness. The deep bond of Corruption flowing through our veins and Corrupting binding us together."**  
Reaching out a hand, the shadowed man pushed a clawed finger into his forearm and drew forth a green liquid that was the blood of a Warlock...or possibly embalming fluids. Hard to tell, really.  
 **"You stand before the Brotherhood of Darkness, clothed in Life and Light, will you Shed your mortal coil and Sacrifice your innocence and Light, and join us here in the Dark?"** They chanted.  
The smaller figure cast off his white robes, and picked up a knife, making a quick, decisive, but not too deep cut across his wrist, drawing out a few drops of blood that he dripped into the goblet. The liquid in it reacted violently to the mixing fluids and morphed into a deep crimson, before it slowly turned black, slight steam rising from the cup, and it smelled of death and decay. The smaller figure had to work very, very hard too not gag at the smell, trying to breathe through his mouth rather than his nose, looking a bit worried at what he knew came next...  
"I will. I shall. So, it will be." The younger figure said and lifted the goblet to his lips and drank as much as he was able to drink before chocking back a scream and falling to the floor.

His throat felt as if it was on fire, like he had been drinking acid. Horrible, foul-tasting acid. He struggled to not gag, and to not scream as the pain tore through his body, hurting far worse than the Cruciatus curse. He felt as if every cell in his body was dying, violently, all at once, but his life-force hindered the process, holding him back from dying and from experiencing the tranquil peace that was death. He whimpered as he choked back his screams, biting his hand so hard it was bleeding. The hooded men circled him and began chanting as the younger one lied on the floor, pain racing through his body, and he realized that nothing he had ever experienced would be this painful, and that after this, nothing else could ever feel bad ever again, because it would not be anything like this, and no pain could ever compare and would seem mild in comparison.  
The light in the torches blew out as if a great gust of wind had torn through the room, leaving it in perfect Darkness.

As he was slowly, agonizingly pulled to the very brink of Death, as close as one could get without dying, he was brought back, the whole agonizing process restored his body and his health to near perfection. Once he stopped shivering, and managed to rise from the floor, he realized that his glasses were nowhere to be found, and yet he could see. It was Dark. Perfectly deep, dark Blackness...yet he could see, if barely, the shadowy, glowing outlines of others. His Warlock vision had restored his eyes, and while he was not yet complete, he could see better in the Dark than most humans ever would. And he felt the Power rush through his body like flames. Painful, yet pleasurable. It tasted like Death.

As he slowly stood up, he felt himself being wrapped in the ceremonial Black Robes, that was so dark that they might as well have been made out of Darkness themselves. And he felt a strong glow of pride in his chest as he looked up at Richard, whom was beaming down at him with pride written all across his face...well...what was visible of it. Then he leaned down and patted Harry's back and whispered in his ears. "Good boy. You did well. I bet the old farts were impressed too, you didn't scream once!"  
Harry couldn't help but smile up at Richard, the deep love and even deeper respect and loyalty he had for the crazy Warlock grew even stronger. He couldn't describe the feeling he was feeling, it felt like power and pride and happiness and joy, all mixed and mashed into something darker and unrecognizable, but absolutely wonderful! And Harry loved it!


	4. Burn Baby, Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard takes Harry out for a fun, wholesome Father-Son bonding trip.

When Harry woke up the next day, as he stumbled into the kitchen to get himself some black pudding and sausage, he decided that he really should run over to Richard's house as soon as he could, or... Harry looked at the clock on the wall... after noon maybe. Richard tended to set people on fire if they tried to wake him up when he was asleep...or randomly when he slept, Harry really wanted to know how he did that!

Seeing as he was still alive, he didn't want to test how fireproof he was himself yet. He might have started his journey to become a Warlock, but he had many more years to go before he could properly join the ranks of the unliving and invulnerable Harry thought grumpily. Unless he somehow died before that time of course.  
Not that he wanted to remain a child forever. He shuddered at the thought. That would be the most nonthreatening Warlock EVER. All the other Warlocks would laugh at him, he was sure of it! No... He just had to wait. He sighed into his breakfast.

"I something wrong dear?" Mavis asked as she rushed from the stove to the table, before her husband could even open his mouth to ask.  
"It's nothing grandma. Just thinking," Harry said, pulling himself together and smiled at her.  
He really didn't want to worry his family. Most people didn't like to think about their kids – or grandkids – dying. Even if they didn't necessarily stay dead...well...not REALLY dead anyway.

Harry was still not entirely sure what the difference was, aside from the paleness and bright, glowing eyes and green blood. He smiled at himself as he remembered when he looked in the mirror that morning and thought his eyes were greener than ever.  
‘It must be the lack of glasses,’ he thought.  
  
The green of the iris seemed to cover an even larger area of his eyes now, making his puppy-dog eyes all the more effective, though he did scare Derek when he got up to get some water, and he swore that for a second they were glowing.  
Harry had chuckled to himself at that. He loved his uncle, he really did, but he was a very sad excuse for a Satanist…scared of everything. The most he had sacrificed in his life was some cauliflower. He couldn't even kill a sheep, and the abducted girls seemed to always trick him to wash the knife or something equally stupid, and then run away.  
  
Harry really had to hide a chuckle when said uncle walked into the room yawning, and then promptly tripped over a chair.  
"Wow, brother. Elegant as always, ain’t cha?"  
Sharon walked in and settled Damien down into the high-chair before walking over to pick up some black pudding and stacking it on his plate, then grabbing some food for herself.  
  
It seemed like his little brother only ever ate meat, although Harry could sympathize with that. Who wanted to eat veggies when they didn't have to? Especially when you had all this delicious food to chose from!  
Harry smiled as he thought about how he would never have to worry about going hungry again and took a bit of his own black pudding. On second thought though, he didn't really feel like eating the meat of a live cow like his little brother sometimes did, but he had to admit he had never actually tried it. Who knows…maybe raw meat was good?  
  
He suddenly wondered what Warlocks ate. He should ask Richard when he went over there he decided, as he greeted his mom.  
"So Harry... Any plans for your day? Seeing as it's vacation and all I bet you have some nice, evil plans, yeah?" Sharon smiled at her son.  
"Actually, I was thinking I should go see Richard. He's teaching me how to Fwoosh!" Harry said excitedly, making his mother chuckle at the sheer enthusiasm in his voice.  
"Alright, sweetie. Just don't get in trouble with the law without Richard around, ya hear? Don't want to have to call in the prodigal son of your father with that bible-whore just to get you out of jail."  
  
Sharon muttered curses under her breath at that bitch, even if Satan had promised her that it was a long, long time ago, and he swore he only did it to corrupt her, she meant nothing to him, and PLEASE put down that vase! Sharon was still a bit pissed about her. But she had to admit her son WAS a damned good lawyer…even if he had refused to join his father properly. They kept in touch on occasion though, even if they got off on the wrong foot.  
  
Harry glanced up the clock again, wondering if it was safe to wake up Richard. You never really knew with the warlock, but it was worth a shot. He was very eager to start his lessons with him. Richard always made it so fun!  
  
Harry quickly ate what was left of his black pudding before telling his mom he'd just be slipping over to Richard's, and he'd be back later.  
  
* * *  
The best thing that came from waking Richard was that they discovered that Harry now seemed to be flameproof.  
Richard theorized it had something to do with the ritual that allowed Harry to become a Warlock, and Warlocks were generally flameproof...as well as nearly impossible to kill. Although they did need the occasional patching up, seeing as one had to find all the pieces of the Warlock before you could put him back together again.  
  
Extras, like holes through the chest would require a healer to restore it properly. At least to restore the Warlock quickly. Richard was about to pull the blanket over his head and go back to sleep, when Harry started summoning birds from the trees and set them on fire to hurl them at him from behind a bookshelf.  
  
When they exploded, Richard couldn't help but chuckle, after which it was just not possible to go back to sleep anymore, so he got up and walked over to Harry and ruffled his hair.  
  
"Only you, son. Only you...," Richard told him as he patted him on the back, and then walked past him to the kitchen.  
Not that he intended to eat, but it was a much better place to talk than the bedroom was. Come to think of it...why was he even sleeping again? He didn't really need it...probably...ah, damn.  
  
‘It is way too early to consider philosophical questions like that,’ Richard thought and walked over to the window and set a small dog riding in a pretentious woman's handbag on fire.  
  
Then Harry set the woman's hair on fire and they laughed at the girl going from sobbing over her lost pet to screaming and running around. Honestly…did nobody know to stop, drop and roll?  
  
Harry was grinning from ear to ear as Richard took him outside to buy him an ice cream. Well…he took him to the ice-cream stand and froze the guy who was selling it, before lifting Harry up to the counter to climb in and fetch whatever ice-creams he wanted.  
A slightly cold, but very happy Harry emerged from the freezer with his arms full of ice-cream, and Richard couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that most of that would be melted long before Harry finished eating it.  
  
He froze a small dog and used it's tail to hold it, munching on his own frozen treat. Needless to say, that people backed away slowly every single time they approached.  
  
The cops had long since stopped patrolling the area, and the government insisted that there was absolutely nothing strange going on, while seriously contemplating just bombing the entire area. However, Surrey wasn't all that strategically important and as long as nobody talked to the press, they decided to simply let things work themselves out. Richard wasn't really much of a threat to anyone of importance at least.  
  
* * *  
It was more or less pure luck that Dumbledore had not been informed of this irregularity. Perhaps it was in part because all the little doodads and thingamabobs that measured Harry's life and the wards on number 4 Private Drive showed that everything was still working perfectly well.  
  
Even if poor Arabella Figs had somehow had that terrible accident with the home invaders that killed her. He didn't look too much into it, the muggle police had informed her sister that these things did happen from time to time even in the best neighbourhoods, and while he grieved for the poor old lady, he did not think it would be necessary to replace his spy just yet.  
  
Her latest reports had said that the Dursleys seemed like a perfectly normal family, even if they were a bit frugal and worked Harry a bit hard. But the Weasleys also let their kids inherit clothes, and gave their children chores to do, so it seemed perfectly normal to him.  
  
The nagging suspicion that certain comments from Arabella made it seem like they were less than nice to their nephew...well…it was a necessary sacrifice for the greater good. He felt guilty for leaving Harry with a family that he knew wouldn't love him, but he chose to believe that he wasn't treated TOO badly, and he diligently closed his ears and rationalized away anything that suggested otherwise.  
  
In due time he would swoop in, become the poor child's saviour, and little Harry would look to him for guidance and advice.  
Dumbledore had carefully calculated how it would all turn out. He didn't want to believe anything too bad was happening to Harry, because if he knew, for sure, he'd be obligated to take him away, and so Dumbledore retreated into a state of denial, and rationalized that it was much better to not check up on him, he had his family after all.  
  
Only the small, nagging voice in his subconscious knew that he avoided it because he was scared of what he might see...  
  
Dumbledore popped another lemon drop into his mouth and hummed a happy song he had heard somewhere and couldn't get out of his head, while he studied his plans for the coming school year.  
  
It was still too early to worry about Harry's moulding, for now, he would let him enjoys his childhood, without anyone who could mould his opinions of the wizarding world. He would be completely ignorant of the wizarding world, and Dumbledore would make sure he placed himself as a benevolent and beloved mentor to the kid.  
‘It shouldn't be too hard,’ he thought, before reaching for another lemon drop.  
  
* * *

Harry licked his ice cream happily as he was walking home. Richard had muttered something about a 'bloody elf' and had run off to do something – possibly unpleasant – to said elf, and sent Harry on his way home. With his arms full of frozen goodies, and, for some reason, humming 'Ring of Fire' ‘cause it had gotten stuck on his brain when he watched Constantine last night on the telly, and the song always reminded him of Richard.  
  
Considering that it was technically a love-song and used to convey the presence of a demon on the telly, well...Harry decided to not consider any possible meaning behind it. Either option was just plain scary.  
  
Just as Harry was about to reach his house, he watched as two preachy looking young adults push open the white pickled fence gates and ring the doorbell and he sighed. They were so clearly Jehova’s Witnesses.  
  
He really didn't understand why those happy-happy morons kept trying to convince his family to join the rest of the sheep in their backwards, mindless 'bliss' of bending over backward to serve some asshole in the sky that didn't even bother to listen to their prayers, much less help anyone. He glared at them as his grandpa opened the door and listened to them spew their nonsense about eternal love if you just bent over and let their asshole deity fuck you over while you ran around working like a slave for a vague chance of going to an incredibly boring place when you died.  
  
Okay... They might not have worded it quite that way, but that was what they were saying, really.  
  
But before his grandpa could reply to them, a long...incredibly, inhumanly and slightly monstrous... tongue launched out and pulled them in, making Harry jump back in shock, before laughing his ass off as Fido spit out their sculls on the front lawn. Well...those two certainly wouldn’t cause any problems for them anymore he thought and picked up one of the sculls as he walked in, tossing the other one down to Fido, so he had something to play with, even if he couldn't properly digest it.

"Yuck! You drooled all over it, Fido!" Harry grimaced at the scull. "I better wash this before putting it on my shell... Grandpa! Where's the dish-washing soap?!" Harry yelled after his grandfather.  
  
* * *  
It was surprisingly enough that Richard came with the suggestion to get Harry legally adopted by them. In one of his many run-inns with the Aurors, he found a newspaper that one of them lost in the heat of the moment, and it showed what appeared to be a rather popular speculation on The-Boy-Who-Lived, full with a theatrical description and Harry's name.  
  
As soon as Richard realized just how famous his beloved new son was, he immediately set out to investigate this 'wizarding world' of Britain. The deeper he dug, the more irritated he became at the shenanigans of all these wizards and their idiotic hero worship.  
There was a trail leading towards one Albus Dumbledore that stunk to high heavens, who also had placed him as Harry's de-facto guardian.  
Richard did not like that one bit!  
  
And so, much to the dislike of Sharon, he suggested to them that it would be for the best to call on Satan's argumentative, estrange lawyer son.  
Sharon, much as she hated the reminder that Satan had had another mistress before his kinda-sorta-marriage with her, understood the importance of calling Kevin Lomax in his new, luxury apartment in New York.  
  
He had been exceptionally pissed off at his father the first time around, but he couldn't help but get dragged back into the spotlight, even if he was determinate not to leave his wife to his own demises at this time. Satan was absolutely thrilled to see his son again, although he worried about Sharon's jealously flaring up. Boy did she have a temper!  
  
It didn't take long before Kevin was seated on a plane headed for England.  
  
He passed the irritatingly long flight time by studying up on British law, and British wizarding law especially, searching for any and all loopholes to make this adoption pass by without notice.  
  
Once Satan had been yelled at, and was finally able to explain why he was needed, Kevin was almost jumping with joy at the chance to redeem himself for his former sins by helping this poor, young child to escape abusive relatives and people who sought to manipulate him for his fame. Nobody understood better than Kevin how horrible it felt to be manipulated, and he mentally glared at his father once again. Not all the money in the world could make up for THAT. He'd be damned if he'd let a young child suffer something that mentally scaring!  
  
Albus Dumbledore would never have guessed in a million years the shit-storm that was about to hit the British wizarding community, with himself right in the middle of it....  
  
* * *  
Harry was staring at Diagon Ally in amazement, and Diagon Ally was staring back.  
  
To be fair, it wasn't every day a family wearing bright red robes with a pentagram on the front, accompanied by a stranger dressed in all black with a veil across his face, topped off with a serious looking man in a muggle dress and wandered down the streets towards Gringotts. However, weirder things had happened and the wizards soon went back to their own daily shopping, especially after a few...shall we say homicidal looking...glares from Richard.  
  
It was a very good thing that Harry had let his hair grown out. In addition, the clothes he wore and the people he was with…let's just say it all clashed spectacularly with what the wizarding population assumed The Boy Who Lived would look like. Therefor nobody even considered the possibility that the kid in their midst might be THE Harry Potter.  
  
Richard walked up to one on the guard-goblin outside of Gringotts. He proceeded to stare at it. Moving his face even closer, he stared at it intently as the others walked inside. It was an unsettling look.  
  
"Have I seen you before?"  
  
Now... Goblins were a strong race of warriors. They loved gold and a good fight. They were rumoured to not know fear.  
This goblin, however, was shaking in his boots. The spear dropped out of his hand, and his partner on the other side didn't look much better.  
"Now I remember where I've seen you!" Richard snapped his fingers before pulling away and walking into the bank whistling a happy tune.  
  
The goblin whimpered in relief and considered to be the first goblin ever to take out a sick-day...or ten...depending on whether or not that...that...THING...decided to come back!  
  
As soon as the tellers saw him, the goblins whimpered in fear and sent someone to fetch the director. The wizards, whom were unfamiliar with Richard and his reputation, merely looked at them in shocked surprise.  
  
They felt more than a little relieved when the whole family was quickly ushered into a secure room.  
A secure, heavily warded, non-flammable room.  
  
The goblin behind the stone desk that was merged into the floor was whimpering, but doing his best to pull himself together. Why, oh, WHY hadn't he married that ugly, poor girl that liked him?!  
  
They made him deal with this horrifying Warlock because he had no family that would miss him. He now regretted his choice deeply.  
Richard pushed at Harry's back.  
  
"Go on, son. You need to learn to take care of these things yourself," Richard said.  
The goblin whimpered again at the realization that this maniac now had a SON. He was probably training him to be just as dangerous and crazy as his father. However... The second Harry introduced himself, that whimpering turned into laughter. A high-pitched, slightly maniacal laughter. Oh, how the rest of the goblins would LOVE this when he told them! The wizard’s poster-boy was a Warlock-in-Training...  
  
Those damned Wizards would never know what hit them!  
  
"So, Mr. P...DeVille," The goblin said. "As you seem to be unaware of this, it is my duty to inform you that the Potter family is one of our oldest clients. Your wealth is in line with the older pureblood families like the Malfoys and the Blacks.”  
  
Harry blinked. He had money? A lot of money?! He blinked again.  
  
* * *  
It had taken all of an hour to get everything sorted out with Harry's estates and money, and getting him a G-Card, which worked like a muggle credit card, apparently, both in the wizarding world and in the muggle world. Harry thought it just looked like some weird kind of Gold Visa or just...gold. He decided not to question it.  
"Alright. Now, Richard, Sharon. You sign here. And here. And here. Aaaand here," Kevin went over the adoption papers with Harry’s parents. "Alright, and now..." Kevin sighed heavily and gritted his teeth. He was still pretty pissed off at the shit his father had pulled last time.  
  
"Where's that good-for-nothing father of mine... Ours now I suppose." It took his entire lawyer training to remain professional.  
"Oh, I'll call him!" Sharon said grinning.  
She felt a lot better about Kevin now that she knew he had rejected being the heir, and her own son...sons...would be the ones their daddy loved the most! Damien would still be the one to bring about the Apocalypse! Plus, this guy's mother was an old, ugly hag now anyway, so she wasn't even a treat!  
  
Sharon felt positively gleeful as she pulled out a bottle of sheep's blood and started drawing a summoning circle, with the goblin watching her exasperatedly. At the very least, Richard was amusing himself by saying hi to his various adopted 'children' of various species, which he kept in his bag. At least he wouldn't be causing any trouble it seemed.  
  
It took another hour for Satan to sign everything, and for him and Richard to have a small fight over whom should be allowed to blood adopt Harry. After the entire family had fled the room, and the goblin was a shivering mess under his reinforced desk, they all discovered that, apparently, even Satan himself was scared of Richard.  
  
The new goblin that was to perform the blood adoption ritual, where Harry was adopted by Sharon and Richard, was thoroughly traumatized as he watched the greenish slug that the Warlock called blood, combined with Sharon's blood and various other components being chugged down by the kid without as much as a hesitation.  
  
"I've tasted worse," was all Harry said, which made the goblin...and several family members...question what kind of taste-buds the child even had.  
Of course, both Harry and Richard knew that his taste-buds might have...died...a little, in the ritual to transform him into a proper, undead, Warlock.  
  
* * *  
Several hours later, when the potion really kicked in and began to re-arrange his DNA, Harry was cursing every god known to man as he was writhing in pain on the bed. While the Warlock might not be quite as dead as he appeared, he still wasn't close to being a normal human. The process was generally painful in any case.  
As Harry looked into the mirror after the pain had stopped, he was disappointed that he hadn't grown any taller. However, he had to admit that it was only Richard who was particularly tall in this family. Moreover, he still hadn't hit any growth spurts, so who knows... He might still grow some later in life.  
  
What DID change was his skin and hair. Harry didn't know it was possible for a living person to be quite this pale, but there you have it. He poked his cheek, wondering if his skin had somehow turned into whatever substance Richard's skin was. Although it wasn’t quite as pure white and...well...dead...as Richards skin either.  
  
Just very, very pale. Like he hadn't seen the sun in years.  
  
His hair, on the other hand, was still black. But Harry was extremely pleased to see he had inherited his mom's straight hair. It now fell down just past his ears, and was looking a bit more like those guys on his cd-covers, rather than a messy bird's nest. It was a bit thinner than it used to be, Harry thought as he combed, he watched lumps of it fall off, and he suddenly began to worry if it would all fall out.  
  
He was pretty sure Richard didn't have any hair at all, and he prayed that it was just thinning itself out to match his mom.  
  
Harry decided he's take a shower and change into one of those black robes he had bought. Maybe he could convince his grandma to make a pentacle to fit on the front of his new clothes. He felt a bit ungrateful to his new family for discarding their signature red colour, but he knew for a fact that even Benny sometimes went with black as his preferred colour.  
  
The adults had just sighed and blamed youth culture.  
  
Between LaVey and Black Metal, black robes and far too many pentagrams and upside down crosses had become de rigour for Satanists it seemed, and the wizarding world wasn't helping any. Benny, however, was more than happy to help his favourite nephew, and within a weak, Harry was fully loaded with enough occult jewellery to last him a lifetime.  
  
However, his mother put her foot down and told him that it was really bad taste to wear more than two necklaces at the time. Which naturally lead him to decide he should get an earring as well. With an upside down cross. His mother sighed and told him that when he got his acceptance letter to Hogwarts, he could have his ears pierced, but not a moment sooner.  
  
Harry grumbled a bit, but accepted it. Especially after Benny told him that most families wouldn't allow their kids any pierced body-parts until they were at least 15, preferably 18. A lot of them wouldn't let guys get it at all. Which seemed really unfair and discriminating to Harry.  
  
* * *  
The next day, or rather, late evening, the change had made him sleep almost the entire day, Harry woke up to the veil covered face of the warlock staring at him, and let out a yelp, before promptly falling out of the bed, making Richard laugh.  
  
"Ah, who knew having a kid was this much fun?" Richard asked no one in particular.  
"Harry. Get dressed. I have the BEST Father-Son outing imaginable planned for today!" Richard exclaimed and tossed Harry the new black robes he had bought him.  
Once Harry had struggled his way into them, he realized they were a spitting image of Richard's own Warlock robes, and he jumped up to hug him.  
  
"Thank you, they're awesome!" Harry said, before promptly stumbling in the robes, which was longer than he was used too, and crashed into Richard, sending them both crashing to the floor. "How do you even walk in these, dad?" Harry asked, blushing in embarrassment.  
Richard merely laughed and pulled them both up.  
  
"You'll learn. Now get downstairs and have your breakfast and meet me at my place when you're ready," Richard said and stalked out of the house, leaving Harry behind, exited to see what his dad had come up with, and cursing his new robes.  
  
Now he understood why Richard never ran anywhere. He checked himself out in the mirror. But damn did they look good!  
  
"Hi, mom!" Harry said as he strolled into the kitchen, grabbed two slices of toast and stacked entirely too much bacon between them, before moving towards the door.  
"Mornin' kiddo. Or should I say evenin'?" Sharon joked and ruffled his hair as he walked past her. "Where're ya goin'?" She said as he rushed past her.  
"Richard said he had some awesome Father-Son thing for us to do!" Harry said happily and chewed down on his toast.  
"Bmhye mhom!" Harry munched on his toast as he rushed over to Richard's place.  
  
When Harry reached Richard's house, he couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of Richard, in his bright yellow gardening/outing hat, with a picnic-basket in one hand and a shovel in the other.  
  
"A shovel? Really?" Harry struggled to not laugh out loud, insulting Richard was never a good idea.  
"It's traditional to bury the evidence." Richard said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Then he scratched his chin...or, well, the veil covering it, in contemplation. "Although I suppose there might not be enough left to bury," he mussed and tossed the shovel away, grabbing the picnic-basket.  
Reaching inside he pulled out something that might have been an ice-cream cone...it also might have been a puddle. There was no way to tell.  
  
"I-Scream?" Richard said. Harry decided it might not be worth the risk.  
"Um, no thanks, dad. I prefer the traditional Ice-cream-types," he replied.  
Richard looked disappointed and put it back into the basket. Harry felt a little bad for disappointing him, but he also wasn't a full-blooded warlock just yet. Who knew what that...thing...would do to his digestive system?  
  
"Oh, well, your loss." Richard shrugged and grabbed Harry's hand as if it was perfectly normal to take your son out for an evening walk, a light picnic and quite possible some murder and mayhem.  
"I packed some marshmallows too," Richard stated happily, which made Harry grin.  
"Awesome!" He didn't ask why. It was kinda obvious, really.  
  
Harry and Richard skipped happily down the road towards number 4 Private Drive. The image of the downright dark, evil, powerful undead warlock in his evil-looking outfit, topped off with a sunflower-yellow hat, holding the hand of a young boy and skipping merrily down the street had several people give up booze, and had the queue to the local psychologist's office nearly double. Luckily, it was almost 9 pm, so there wasn't too many people out and about, or there would certainly have been more.  
  
When they finally reached Harry's old home, Harry peered into the windows carefully, while Richard was casting some kind of warding spells to ensure that nobody noticed anything unusual until after the wards came down, and nobody would be able to disturb them. It took a bit longer than he had expected, as there seemed to be several other wards monitoring the house, for whatever reason. But Richard was not considered one of the greatest Warlocks of his time without reason.  
  
He twisted the wards just enough to land outside his own wards, and thus would still work, but not pick up anything unusual until he brought his own wards down. The last thing he did before ringing the doorbell was so seal up each and every exit of the house, and dousing it with the magical equivalent of kerosene.  
  
* * *  
The Dursleys were enjoying watching a re-run of Mr. Beans, laughing at all the difficulties the man was currently having with his car. Dudley was hogging the bowl of chips, and the whole coke bottle, enjoying himself. Petunia was sipping some wine, while Vernon was opening yet another can of beer. This was life!  
  
As the doorbell rang, Vernon scoffed at the disturbance, but his wife nudged him to go see whom it was. His wife was right of course. It wouldn't do to let the neighbours see them ignoring visitors. What if his co-workers found out? He'd never hear the end of it. Image! Image was the key to success! Vernon put on his friendliest smile and opened the door.  
  
* * *  
"Hi~" Richard waved his fingers at him when he opened the door, while Harry grinned maliciously and set fire to his hair. Vernon's screams sounded sweet in his ears as they followed him inside and closed the door, while Vernon patted his hair frantically to put the fire out.  
  
"YOU!" Vernon yelled when he realized who it was. "And...Who the bloody hell are YOU?!? You're one of those FREAKS, aren't you?!" Vernon shouted, glaring at Richard.  
"Me?" Richard said with a confused look, pointing at himself.  
"I think he's mistaking you for a Wizard." Harry said and snickered.  
"Oh! No, no, no. I'm not a bloody Wizard!" Richard spat the word out with distaste. "No, -I- am something FAR worse!" Richard grinned maliciously, and let out a bone shrilling evil laughter. Just for effect. Despite the veil covering his face, you could clearly see the dark, gleeful expression on his face as Harry's former family shrunk away from him in fear.  
  
"S...stay away!" Petunia said. "Y...you're not allowed to use magic!" She said, trying to re-assert her authority.  
It failed miserably as both Harry and Richard glanced at each other and then began to laugh manically.  
"Don't worry auntie…unlike Wizards, Warlocks only have one rule!" Harry said gleefully.  
"The Rules Don't Apply to Us!" Harry and Richard chimed in a darkly gleeful voice.

Their expressions promised so much murder and mayhem that it had Dudley sobbing under the table and the adults whimpering in fear as they back away, only to be stopped by the couch.  



	5. Jolly Hollyday With Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What better way for a father and son to bond than over a nice campfire, some rosted pig and horsebackriding? Richard style, of course.
> 
> Fair warning: Humorous torture scenes ahead. If you got a weak stomach you proboably shouldn't...wait, why would someone with a weak stomach even read this? Carry on~

Richard strolled into the Dursley's residence as if he owned the place, with Harry following close behind him. The grin on his face as he thought about how he would FINALLY get his revenge for the shitty years he spent in their care. 

"If a man slaps you on one cheek, SMITE him on the other," Harry muttered under his breath as he quoted LaVey. He felt a little bit worried about the cops, but he had Richard. He felt even more exhilarated as the adrenalin and spiteful glee course through his veins. The Dursely's backed away slowly before making a run for the back-door, windows and whichever exit that was the closest to the individual member, only to find them all locked.

 **"Ah-ah-aaah~"** Richard wiggled his finger at them. **"Naughty, Naughty prey~"** He grinned and walked over to grab Dudley and drag him back into the kitchen, then proceeded to tie him to the table with Harry's help.

"Hey!" Vernon growled, his anger flaring as he watched what those FREAKS did with his son. "S-stop that!" He fumbled behind the drawers for his shotgun, hidden there in case someone ever broke in.   
"Can I, daddy?" Harry said with a maniacal grin, looking at his uncle.

 **"Have a blast son!"** Richard laughed.

It was not a nice laugh. It scratched and scraped at the inside of their souls like rusted nails on a coffin lid, and slithered in a way that made their skin crawl. It made even Vernon realise just how fucked they were, and he turned to flee.

"Come back and play, uncle~," Harry said, skipping after his uncle.

Vernon had reached the back door and was currently punching at it, screaming for help. Not that anyone could hear him, with all the warding Richard had done to ensure they weren't interrupted, but in his panicked stated, Version screamed and yelled and scratched the door like a wild animal trapped.

"No, no, no, please, no!" Vernon sobbed as he watched his nephew towering over him with his whole hand caught on fire. He cussed and cursed those freaks and that goddamned bloody Dumbledore that forced the freakish burden onto them!

"I remember when I pleaded with you! You showed me no mercy either!" Harry all but hissed as he reached out and pressed his hand against his uncle's chest, rejoicing in the cries and whimpers of his uncle.

The smell of scorched flesh and the imprint his hand left in his chest fascinated him. He realised that he loved the feeling of power over his uncle! That...man... that had made him feel so powerless was now writhing in pain underneath his touch, and he LOVED IT! Harry laughed wickedly. It sounded almost as horrifying as Richard's evil laughter. Perhaps even more so because it came from a very human child.

Harry grinned wickedly as he kicked his uncle, to the cheers of his new daddy. He had been worried about if he would be able to do this when they had stood outside the door, but right now, he was so hyped up on the rush of adrenalin, and the approval of his new daddy and he suddenly felt an urge to do something really, really impressive! Something so horrifying it would even make his daddy in awe! But what?! Harry had to admit he didn't really know anything about torture and he settled for crushing his uncle's nose and using magic to drag him into the living room to join the rest of his family.   
Petunia and Dudley choked on a scream at the sight of him. It was not a pretty sight. He was currently groaning in pain while trying to both not touch the hand-print of a wound in his chest while slapping out the flames that had caught onto his shirt. Dudley had never, never seen his big, strong dad cry or sob, and to see him broken like that...

"Daddy!" Dudley chocked out. "You! You...!" Dudley turned to Harry and glared at him. "Stop hurting my daddy, you freak!!" He yelled at Harry.

"Dudikins, no!" Petunia choked out in fear. She knew it! She had always known that that...that...demon-spawn of her sisters was no good! Oh, how she rued the day she ever took him in! "Curse you, Dumbledore! Curse you!" She sobbed.

"Dudley! What...a...coincident!" Harry grinned madly. "Remember how you always used to play 'Harry hunting' with me? But then I thought... 'Dudley Hunting sounds SO much more fun!" Harry grinned and loosened the ropes that were binding him. "I'll give you ten second's head-start. Better run faaaast~" Harry chuckled darkly. 

"Fuck you! Fuck you!!!" Dudley yelled and went to punch his cousin, only to burn his fist before it even connected.

"Tick-tock, Dudley~," Harry said, waging his finger at him, and Dudley finally started to run.

Richard had, in the meanwhile, set up a sun-chair, and pulled up an exotic looking drink that he sipped through a straw as he watched the spectacle, laughing to himself. His son was coming along nicely. He was a pretty good daddy if he'd say so. Then again, he always knew he'd be a damned good father. He had so much love to give a kid! And fun lessons! What kid wouldn't want him for a father?! Richard grinned to himself and sent a few more sparks at Vernon, who was fighting a never-ending battle to extinguish the fires that kept popping up and burning his hair and clothes.

"PLEASE STOP THIS MADNESS!!" Petunia screeched out from where she was huddling in a corner, bringing the commotion to a halt. She peered up frightened, hopeful that maybe, just maybe they'd listen.  
"We gave you clothes! And shelter! And THIS is how you repay us?!" Vernon barked out, then froze in fear at the expression that fluttered across Harry's face.

"Clothes?! You call those rags CLOTHES?!" He yelled out, summoning his magic to wrap the Dursley's in conjured ropes and tying Vernon and Petunia to the chairs in the living room, and wrapping Dudley up in them and putting him on the couch. Then he smiled. It was a dark, polite, slightly unhinged smile.

"Of course... Where ARE my manners? Let me show you how...grateful I am for your...loving...care!" Harry said, and Richard got to his feet. From the way the Dursley's were whimpering, this was bound to be fun.

* * *

 **"What’s that, son?"** Richard inquired as Harry was busily transfiguring the living-room table into a roasting pit, pieces of it coming off to form the fire in the middle.

"Well... You SAID we'd have a picnic, right? Did you bring a roasting stick? Or anything big enough for the Pig de la resistance?" Harry grinned madly as he grabbed a red apple from the mantelpiece ornament and stuffed it into Dudley's mouth, fastening it with a sticking charm.

"DUDDLEKINS!!!" Petunia screeched out before Harry promptly gagged her and Vernon.

"Honestly. How rude..." Harry said, twisting a finger in his ear. "I might have gone deaf. NO consideration for others."

In the meanwhile Richard, half of his body sticking out from his ever-present purse was finally reemerging with a large stick.

 **"Ah, I KNEW I had kept this as a souvenir from those worm inhabiting pygmes!"** He turned and grinned at his son. Well, his eyebrows raised in what one might assume was a grin.

"Awesome! Thanks, dad!" Harry said and hugged Richard, who returned the favour, almost chocking the kid. But Harry was used to that now and weaselled his way out of his death-grip, grabbing the stick. Then he proceeded to tie and crying, struggling Dudley to the stick by his hands and feet.

 **"Wonderful way to carry him, son, but you'll need some proper leverage to properly roast him,"** Richard said, evaluating his son's work.

"But if I shove it straight through him, he won't get to enjoy the picnic!" Harry said in an exasperated tone of voice.

 **"Not necessarily...."** Richard looked like he was thinking. **"There's this stasis spell... Cale taught it to me right after he'd burst into flames for some reason. Just in case...you know... I had to keep him alive 'til we could get to a healer."**

"Cool!" Harry said as he watched closely as Richard performed the spell, before quickly sharpen the stick and shoving it up Dudley's ass and out his mouth...and the apple. Petunia cried out in horror behind the gag and struggled against the ropes. Richard wiped imaginary sweat drops from his forehead.

**"Phew. That was harder than it seemed. They've fatted up this pig more than strictly necessary."**

He poked Dudley, who was still alive, and obviously in pain as blood spattered to the floor. "That can't be good for my diet." He muttered.

 **"Come on son, let's get this pig into the roasting pit!"** Richard said, grabbing one end of the stick.

"Alright, dad!" Harry said with a grin and grabbed the other end, so they could lift him to hang over the open fire.

Honestly... It felt amazing to finally get back on the people who had tormented him for his entire life before he escaped them. He smiled and sat down on the picnic blanket next to his daddy, watching how Richard rummaged around in his bag, before pulling out two smaller spears and a pack of marshmallows.

 **"Here you go, son."** Richard handed one of them over to Harry, whom happily poked one onto his stick and held it out to the fire. **"Oh, and I almost forgot!"** He flickered his finger at the roasting spit with Dudley on, and it started to rotate. Dudley was screaming every time he was scorched by the fire, and crying in the temporary respite when he was lifted a bit higher up. His skin sizzled and cooked, but the stasis spell stopped him from dying...or...at least from dying quickly. Richard knew it wouldn't last forever. But they could still have a damned nice picnic!

 **"Ah~ The ambient music of screams~ Roasting pigs and marshmallow~"** He sighed happily and hugged the shoulder of his son, who was leaning into him. "And this time, I will not botch the wine pairing!" Richard pulled out two bottles of what looked like red wine from his satchel. **"Now what goes best with whole roasted pig...?"**

* * *

The fire was crackling happily, and Dudley's screams were slowly getting weaker and weaker. Richard was happily sipping his wine as he poked Dudley with a barbecue fork every now and then, trying to figure out if he had any meat on him that was not saturated with unhealthy fats. Hey... Even homicidal maniacs can care about their health!

"A perfect father-son day!" Harry exclaimed with a grin, taking a bite of his marshmallow, suddenly happy that he was far less prone to burning his mouth on food nowadays.  
Harry just smiled and leaned close to his daddy, enjoying the sight of his cousin being slowly roasted over the fire and about to be eaten by...some kind...of...squid...wait!

 **"Scooter! Bad Kraken! Don't eat that! You don't know where it's been!"** Richard chastised his Kraken child.

"What's that?" Harry inquired and looked up at Richard as he was struggling with pulling the squid-like creature off Dudley. The flames helped. Water creatures really dislike fire, so much as it tried, Scooter couldn't quite manage to get close. The Kraken made a whining sound.

 **"I know, I know. But look at how fat that pig is! You'll get indigestion!"** Richard turned and looked at Harry. **"Ah, yes. Harry... Meet your brother, Scooter,"** Richard said and looked at the Kraken baby. **"Scooter, this is your new brother, Harry. Play nice you two!"** Richard said before he handed Scooter over to Harry.

"Um...Hello...brother..." Harry said unsure, peeking up at Richard from the corner of his eye, trying to determine if his dad was joking. He looked dead serious. 'Well...' Harry thought. His other brother was the anti-crist....was a Kraken for a brother really that much weirder?

Scooter let out a disgruntled sound and wiggled free before he ran over to strangle Vernon by laying itself across his face. The strangled cries of indignation and his aunt's screams of horror made Harry laugh.

"Alright, Scooter! Save some for me!" He grinned and picked up his barbeque spear and run over to play with his brother. He decided that the best way to not lose your sanity when it came to his dad was to just go along with whatever happened without worrying too much about it. Besides... His new brother would be way fun to scare people with!

* * *

Richard smiled as he watched his two adopted kids play with each other...and their victims. With hot pokers and what looked to be a parody of the Aliens movie. He smiled. He'd always wanted a family. And his new son was absolutely perfect, the little pyromaniac. Then he remembered something and snapped his fingers.

 **"Of course! How could I forget THAT?"** Richard said to himself. **"Harry, son, come here! And put your brother back in the bag."**

"What is it, dad?" Harry lowered the hot poker just before he burned his aunt's eye out, and Petunia sobbed in relief. The relief, however, was short-lived. And it goes to show that Richard was someone who really shouldn't be allowed to watch family films on the telly.

 **"We have a father-son-bonding trip, and what better way to bond with your son than to teach him to ride a horse!?"**

"Really dad?!" Harry dropped the hot poker and ran up to him. "For really reals?!" Harry was excited.

He'd read all kinds of stories about adventures and magic, and they were always riding horses in them. And he hated the fact that he didn't know how to do that. What if his daddy wanted him to come with him to an Adventure, and he couldn't because he didn't know how to ride a horse?

 **"Well... We don't exactly have a horse..."** Richard said, poking his chin pondering his dilemma. Then he lit up again. **"But we have the next best thing!"** Richard said excitedly as he turned to look at Petunia with a frightening glimpse in his eye.

Petunia didn't know exactly what it meant, but she still began to sob in terror. She was sure that look meant something terrible would happen to her. Harry, however, was quicker on the uptake and stared at his aunt.

"I always thought she looked a bit like a horse..." He said, then grinned as Richard dug around in his bag to find proper riding equipment, and proceeded to pull Petunia out of the chair and fight to strap the saddle on her back.

"No, no, no. Oh, god, please no!" Petunia begged as she felt the strap of the saddle tighten around her stomach and her body being pressed into the floor.

 **"She's a bit wild, but nothing we can't tame!"** Richard said happily and smacked the riding crop across her buttocks. **"Behave, horsie!"** He admonished her, and Petunia sobbed fearfully but didn't dare to disobey.

She knew that wizards could force her to do whatever they wanted with their freakish magic anyway, and she hoped that if she just played along, she might actually get out of this alive. She refused to allow herself to even THINK about what had happened to her precious Dudikins. She convinced herself that this was all a bad dream, and if she just played her part, she'd wake up tomorrow, and this had never happened. She HAD to believe that. Petunia was slowly slipping into the protective shelter of insanity, unlike her husband. 

Vernon tried to protest this treatment, and the humiliation of his wife, but he was tied and gagged and could do nothing but watch this horrible spectacle as Richard helped that freak boy into the saddle they had put on his beloved wife, and then proceed to parade her around the living room, like a horse.

 **"That's it, son!"** Richard yelled encouragingly. **"Just give the horse a good squeeze with the legs to make her move faster!"**

"But daddy... She's not going very fast!" Harry said disappointedly as he had finally learned to keep his balance.

**"Use the whip!"**

* * *

It had taken him almost an hour, but Vernon had finally managed to get rid of the gag, and began to protest vehemently against the vile and humiliating treatment of his wife, as well as calling the demonic duo of freaks and sorcerers...or whatever they were...by every name in the book.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US!!!" He yelled out. "My wife is not a horse! You can't ride her like a bloody horse!" Vernon yelled, and Richard's eye started to twitch in irritation at the man's persistence. Why would he ruin a fun game with pointing out such useless details? He liked his version of reality better.

 **"Sure she is. Imperio!"** Richard said, channelling his magic through his hand...with some help of his Ruby. He really hated using Wizard magic, but he conceded that some of their spells weren't half bad. Vernon's eyes glassed over, and Richard untied him while motioning for Harry to get off his horse.

 **"See the horsie? Now go ride her. Harry, hold her down!"** He commanded imperiously. Vernon was fiercely protesting it in his mind, wanting to refuse, wanting to say no...but his body moved on his own. And much to his horror, he watched helplessly as he mounted his wife like a horse, grabbed the whip presented to him by that freak nephew of his, and began to whip her and ride her around. 

Petunia whimpered in pain as the enormously fat man, her own husband sat down on top of her, adding his own weight to the already heavy saddle. Petunia was not a strong woman, nor was she fat. She was quite proud of how she kept her weight down, much to the neighbours' envy. However, it was all she could do to not collapse as he sat on top of her, and she screamed out when the whip hit her, but she could not move.

Richard watched with amusement, but Harry looked bored.

"Why won't she move, daddy? This is boring," he said.

Richard looked at his son. He supposed this was a good time as any to teach his kid his very first wizarding spell...

**"Focus, son!"**

**"No, no, no! Put more effort into it!"**

**"That's it! You got it!"** Richard praised as his son cast the Imperius curse on his aunt, and made her run around like a horse, with his uncle on her back. 

She jumped and kicked like a real horse now. Her muscles strained past the limit that generally was constrained, and past the limitations of the human body, digging into the reserves that usually only came out when a person was in mortal danger. Muscle tissue ripped, and bones cracked, and Richard was bellowing with laughter. Harry smiled and made his aunt climb onto the table and jump down with a terrible crack. Before she suddenly laid very, very still on the floor. Harry looked at her.

"Up!" Harry focused his magic even stronger, and yelled: "Get up you useless horse!!" He walked over and kicked her unmoving body. He knew she was still alive! He could see her eyes moving, but her body didn't so much as twitch. 

"Daddy~! Why isn't she moving?!" Harry complained, and Richard moved closer, rubbing his cheek in contemplation as he studied her, pushing the fat wale off her back and into a corner.

 **"Huh. I think her back broke. She might be paralysed,"** Richard said in a surprised tone. **"Oh, well...Fun's over."**

The whole thing made Harry laugh. That face was priceless! And his aunt...his tormentor for so many years...! Harry laughed even harder, almost hysterically. He wasn't sure if it was the weight of what he had done, or the relief of finally, FINALLY getting his revenge, being free of her...but he laughed and laughed until his new daddy hugged him close and stroked his hair.

 **"I'm proud of you son,"** Richard said, and he sounded like he meant it. Harry felt the warm glow of acceptace.


End file.
